Taking each moment as it comes can actually be fun !

For me, going on a vacation always involves lot of planning, deciding what time to leave, places to visit, map out things to do and of course i can get a little upset if the schedule is not kept. This weekend, we decided to drive out of Bangalore. We made bookings for a room to stay in, apart from that Y insisted we plan nothing in advance. So, i decided to just go along. We left the city 5 hours later than our expected ETD and i thought to myself, wow, i am surprisingly calm !

We cruised along the road, with nothing on our mind, lovely music playing and great company by my side. We drove at a leisurely pace and i truly enjoyed the drive ! The weekend went along with no planned itinerary in mind, we drove to places and just relaxed whenever we wanted. From crazy food experiments to a sumptuous meal, from crazy fits of laughter to driving aimlessly around, it sure was a weekend full of fun and things i have never done before. Thus i learn my lesson, trips can also be unplanned :)

Ramu chai lao

Even though i am Indian, i had always been more of a coffee person. Back home, my family drank 2 cups of tea a day, which were a ritual in our house. Yet i always preferred a cup of coffee to tea at any given point of time. It took me a stay in France to develop a liking for tea and there i was, in a coffee drinking country, addicted to tea!

When in France i lived with a family where the maman loved all kinds of tea. It was she who introduced me to the world of 'infusion' and i know i am now hooked for life. Fruit tea, flower extracts, calming tea, green tea and what not tea!

Now back to India, i have built a reputation of being the girl who walks around with her huge mug of tea. I have always been a person who gets comfort out of a hot cup of anything to sip on and hold. Tea being less harmful than coffee was thus just the thing for me! Everyone knew about my love for the drink and every time someone came from France or Sri Lanka or wherever they had been, id be gifted a packet of infusion from there. Even my wedding gifts included boxes and packets of tea from all around the world.

When i got married and moved into my new home, i brought along my tea obsession and the packets galore. In a matter of days i had gotten Yash hooked onto my tea routines. Every night after dinner or on a weekend after a huge meal, he turns to me and asks, shall we have tea? This ritual has coined a term ' Ramu chai lao ', which Yash uses on me. He knows i pretend to get bugged but do not succeed ! So this post is dedicated to Yash and the 'Ramu chai lao' which makes everything seem all right after the long and hectic day its been. Thank you Yash for sharing my tea craze and those many cups and chats we've shared over those yummy cups of tea :)

2010

A year full of special moments, big changes and growing up. A year full of moments to look back and smile. A year full of excitement, love and highs :)

Every girl grows up having dreams of finding her love, of getting married and settling down. Like all of them, i did too... I would ask myself a million times, will they ever come true? Will he ask me to marry him or will i end up alone and miserable and broken hearted? Fights, doubts, worries, yet a lot of love. Confusion, anger, fear, yet a lot of dreams...

2010 has to be my year of dreams coming true. From the moment the families met to the final wedding day, each moment is etched in my heart and mind like a stone engraved. Like every girl, i went through the fears of leaving home, of living with a new family and starting all over. Of learning a new language to customs and more. Of making my place there and living up to the expectations galore...

Now almost 2 months after the wedding i sit here and smile, i think how silly my fears were and how happy i am. I see around me a family that loves me for who i am, i see around me trust, love and finally a feeling of settling down envelopes me all around.

I am learning how to juggle my family and job, i am learning to cook and manage the house. This year will be a step by step process of finding myself, of cherishing each day and the learnings found.

When people ask me how it feels to be married, i still look confused and ask them, why the feeling still needs to be found! I wake up some mornings looking all around and it takes me a few seconds to come back to ground :)

Time of my life

Back in France, whenever i was happy or sad, high or low, i would turn to my blog and quickly write down whatever it was i was feeling or thinking. Then i came back to India, got absorbed in work, life and the time i spent thinking and writing went from little to nothing...
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride. With emotional highs and equally strong lows, i am left quite drained out and lost and alone. I find myself saying this to myself quite a lot these days, the feeling of being alone. How can i be alone when i i have people around me all the time? How can i complain when this is in fact the most beautiful time of my life? How can i think negative when everyone around me is celebrating my joy?
Come on umelette, get a life. Throw away the blues and live bright. Its a new wave that is coming in, a new flight of life. There are so many beautiful things to look forward to than stay here and bury yourself in cries! Look at yourself in the mirror and smile, isn't this what you have waited for all your life?
So i tell myself, buck up, get up and be happy in life. Soon will be a journey to walk down in life. Look at the happiness and joy all around, soak in the pleasure and the journey of life !

And it all turned out fine :)

For the last few months, there has been a lot of stress, tension and general restlessness all around me. Be it friends caught up in their own struggles and fights or my work or my life. I kept hitting rock bottom depression levels and then bouncing back to normal in a span of seconds. This roller coaster ride, either mine or my friends was starting to make life look really miserable and rotten.
And then one fine morning, a few days back, tides changed. Suddenly there was old baggage shed by some, for others there were new beginnings. For me, life was beautiful again to see my closest friends coming back to normal sense.
A dinner sat down with my closest friends, each spilling out their stress and turning it into happiness. Happy faces and joys shared, i came out smiling believing that all will be fine again !

An unforgettable day

As a teacher, i have been asking since forever a class where i can teach kids French. But every time summer came and kids came to learn, i was busy elsewhere, or there were other teachers who got a chance and i was asked to wait till the next year. So when about 3 weeks back the course coordinator came and asked me if i would be interested in teaching kids, it was all i could do to stop myself from jumping up and down in joy. I accepted the class without a blink.

The next day, i was called to her office to be informed, well this was a kids class, but the kids were all from an organization called 'children first' and that they were slightly different from the normal children. They were either orphans or kids who had been given up by their parents. I was told that the class wouldn't be like any normal batch as the age group was between 12 to 19 years and there were a certain number of sensitive topics like family, past which could not be brought up in class. Now i started getting cold feet and my first reaction was regret for not having asked for more details before accepting the class so blindly. I went back to my office and thought about sending a mail saying i could not take up the class due to some other work which had suddenly sprung up and that i was very sorry. I even typed out the letter, but then thought it was not right. They were also children and deserved to learn just like any other person.

The week passed, i tried not to think about my first class or how i would handle any uncomfortable situation, if at all it came up. Finally the big day arrived and my family and friends wished me luck and said i would be just fine if i was myself in class. Friends advised me to go about teaching them as i would any other class. So i went in and was greeted by the sweetest of smiles. 10 attentive children, eager to learn, to ask questions, to sing, to play. I warmed up immediately to the kids but the fear of making a mistake remained in my heart. I tried to shrug it off, but being a selfish human being, i kept regretting having agreed to teach them.

But time flew, i am now 2 weeks into their class and have just 1 more week to go. Today they all invited me to their house for lunch. Not to disappoint them, i agreed to spend my Saturday there. What i saw, i experienced will stay in my heart forever. I went there with a friend and we were greeted to all kids enthusiastically running out to meet us. I got a warm hug form each one of them and within a few seconds we were one among them. The boys dragged my friend away to ask him questions. I was dragged into the kitchen by the girls who wanted to show me how they cooked, what they were making for lunch, tell me stories about what they had done since i last saw them, ask me how my Friday was etc etc.

The boys by then had pulled out the carom board and were playing with my friend, talking, singing songs and having a ball. While the girls sat around showing me their photos, i realized the kids have been living together for the last 10 years! One, like a family, irrespective of their backgrounds or their pasts.

Lunch cooked by the girls, delicious and lip smacking was served, we ate together, laughed and joked over food. Soon it was time to say goodbye. With promises to come back and visit them soon, we left the whole lot with huge smiles and waving goodbye.

It was good to touch base and get a taste of reality. To come out of our bubble for a while and see the real world. To see people work so hard to make a change. To see simple people and simple lives yet with hearts of gold.

Pondi is where i want to be !

My long awaited holiday finally arrived, with a lot of excitement, 8 of us climbed into 2 cars and were off on our long drive. Destination : Pondicherry ! I had heard a lot about this city and even visited it as a kid, but what i saw when i got there was something completely unexpected and different. The city had a quaint French charm to it. The minute we drove into the city, i knew this was going to be a great weekend. The smell of the salt water, the humid air, the work free weekend and my best friends all there !
The walk around the city, through the sleepy old roads, cycle rickshaws, people on bicycles and the laid back attitudes. The roads with their names in French gave me a thrill and sent me back to my days in France and the sites there-in.
The first walk on the beach, the sand beneath my feet, the feel of the water as the waves came rushing in. The long chats with friends, the discussions on life and ambitions and dreams and topics that wouldn't end. The beautiful full moon, the breezy nights, the songs sung in the bright moonlight. The long morning walks, the smiles on everyone's face, after a long time, to see people in a daze.
The city is such, the dreamlike feeling, i sure want to be back for another long lazy weekend !

Meeting old friends

Meeting old friends is always fun, opening the bag of old memories and laughing at the mad things we have done. Discussing things that at one point seemed so important and looking back and thinking how crazy we were. Some friendships don't ever end, they just grow stronger with life's each bend.
A few such friends i have collected along the way, to add to my bag of lovely days. The roommates who have sat through teary occasions, laughing mad moments. Who have supported my wildest ideas and given me courage to pursue them, and at the same time wiped away my tears when i fell and was heart broken at the end of them. Friends like those are rare to find, and even rarer to keep safe though the passing of time.
This weekend i had a reunion with 2 friends who have been a part of my life since what seems forever. We dug out old memories, were mad for a while. We sang horrid songs in the worst voices ever, and laughed at each others dumb jokes, like they were the funniest ever. I went back to 5 years ago when life was so simple. When money came from home and life was full of little pleasures. The bickering over small things, the laughs over the famous sentences said by one of us, the memories of breaking rules and doing all crazy stuff. I no longer am so mad i realize. I put forth a very different self to the world all around. But with these close friends it was nice to be myself, the simple girl from 5 years ago.
The last 4 days have rejuvenated me thoroughly. I feel tired but happy and silly. I miss these friends and the times we used to have, and i realize we have all moved on in life and wont ever have that back. Yet weekends like these make me believe that we can still go back in time once in a while and be our childlike selves and enjoy those special moments with these friends who are beside us for life.

The things one learns

I have always wondered why i give so much importance to what other people think of me and what i do. I keep thinking i have moved onto a higher level of self confidence, but then the next time someone says something negative to me, or finds a fault in me, i go back into my shell, into utter self doubt and a feeling of rejection. There have been times when simply to get an approval from others, i have done things i hate to do, overworked myself and at times even pushed myself to collapsing point, just to have people pat on my back and say, oh you are so nice.
Like a fool, i always believed, when people said nice things to me for all i did for them, they were genuine, but slowly i realize, they are only laughing behind my back saying, oh, she is such an idiot. All we need to do is say a few nice things to her, and there, she will be willing to do anything for us. Slowly, steadily i started realizing, all the rotten work would invariably come to me, all the things that others rejected were dumped onto me, and on top of it, i was made to feel, it was a big favor they were doing, to give me all that they did. I never got the true respect i felt i deserved and they would always pull me down and make me feel like the world is such a rotten place to be in. My attitude for a long time has been extremely negative. Everything and everyone was looked upon with a shadow of doubt. I stopped trusting people and stopped being the cheery self i would like to be. I started feeling like no one really wanted to hang around with me, because all i did was crib and complain about things that were going wrong with me.
But as time passes by, i realize, its not me. I don't have to please others or do things for them. If they like me, it should be for who i am and what i stand up to be. I am slowly realizing that it is ok to say no to people. They will respect me more if i am honest with them, rather than say things just to be liked by them. I realize, people are smarter than i think they are, and they can see through everything others say and do.
The last 2 months have seen a major change in me. I am finally doing a job i love. It keeps me energized, positive and happy in life. In turn i have realized, i give off positive energy and hence have more friends all around. I am trying not to be my cribby self, but someone who can be positive, laughing and pleasant to have around. I realize how much of a difference self confidence can do to a person. In professional and personal life. I no longer count the days that go by, but simply stand back at the end of the week and say, wow that was a quick week that passed by. I also realize, how important it is to do a job that one truly enjoys. It shapes up the person who you are and makes you give in the best you can.
I realize i am no longer dependent on anyone. I realize i don't need anyone to make me happy. Happiness is something that i create for myself. This new confidence has helped me realize a lot of things, and if people really love me, they will realize it too and change themselves to be with me.

My new house finally turns into a home

For the first time since i moved out of home i decided to rent a house without even seeing it. I knew it was similar to my previous one and so just paid up the money and decided to move in. Moving day arrived, i packed my bags and moved. My first impression on walking into the house was, cold feet, crinkly nose and sheer fright on finding it similar to my old place in just the size. Apart from that, the walls were cold, the floor was dirty, no bed in the house, a weird smell all around. I wanted to throw my bags down and weep. But i took a deep breath in, thought i would sleep over it and all would be ok in the morning. But the depressing feeling continued for a while, till i finally decided to get up and make an effort to turn my house into a home.
I started with simply arranging all my stuff, putting bags away and the things in their proper place. Bought a small carpet and added little touches around the house. Started lighting candles in the evening to throw away the cold and bring in warmth. Set up my little kitchen and put pictures on my walls. Now all i need is a small pet, the little fish in its bowl to make my house into a home with another living thing around !

What can one do?

I seem to be discussing this point a lot these days, the need for being assertive and not letting people walk all over us. Why is it that some people are always bending, adjusting and trying to change their life to make the life of others easier, while those others enjoy everything, use others shoulders to climb up and then just kick the people below and move on gloating and taking credit for everything?

It is not fair, life is not fair, but then we have to live it, don't we? So what can someone do to fight this evil world? I know i can't change myself, as it will be going against my principals, all that was taught to me as a child, and yet, i know, if i don't change, i will fall so hard and hurt myself so bad, that i will anyway be hurt. Then what does one do? Throw away the lessons taught by parents, stand up to the world, spit and say, look here, i know u using me and im not going to let you do so any more?

I want a cycle. I do, i do !

I have been wanting to get down to exercising, doing something other than being sprawled in bed and wasting away my time. I thought of joining a gym, but then thought nah, no fun. Walking is a good option, but then the parks are crowded and the roads are polluted.
Finally i have come to a choice between cycling and skating. Then again i shortlisted and realized, cycling is a better form of exercise than skating. So here i am, wanting a cycle. I think its a good idea, i do, i do ! Good exercise, burning of calories, and the best way to go short distances !
So here i am, looking to buy cycles, but they are so so expensive that i am forced to give up the thought :(
Life is unfair, money is always a problem, but i still want to have a cycle, i do, i do and i will get it someday, i just need to wait and brood !

Of moving, house hunting, settling down and much more

So i am back in India. Its now almost 2 months. Really??? Doesn't seem like it. Time has flown, so much has happened. Changes good and bad, emotional highs and lows, worry about what i am doing in life, about what i plan to do in life etc etc. Basically, just the normal problems of coming back to reality.
The last one month seems to have been a whirlwind. I went back to Bangalore, the house hunting began. NOTHING i saw came close to the house i lived in before i left the city a year back. I kept comparing and coming home disappointed and unhappy. Every morning brought in new hope and every evening brought in further depression. I drove my friends up the wall with my constant cribbing of not finding a good enough place. The depressing hostel room i was living in was no help at all. I went through highs and lows, of fears and more. I would call my family one morning and say i want to move back and then just a few hours later i would call and say, nope, i changed my mind, i want to look for a permanent job here ! Looking back i feel, what was all that for?? Was i seriously losing my mind or what was it, i don't know !
Anyways, coming to the brighter side of things, i finally found a studio just like the old one. OK, not as nice, but the closest i can come to the old one. I have moved in there and am slowly trying to set it up. Right now, the curtains are the only things that bring in colour, but i am sure, slowly steadily, even that will turn into home.
I am slowly settling down on the job front too and its nice to be around friends once again. I have decided to meet a lot more people, to finally come out of my protected bubble. More things on the card are to take up driving lessons and start being more independent ! And of course, most important, get back to writing in blog posts more frequently. Not for anyone, but just to pour out my thoughts and complaints ! Who can get bugged with my cribbing, if i am cribbing to myself right !
So here is cheers to a new phase in my life ! Hope all remains as positive as i am right now :)

And it is time

These last endless months, all i wanted was to go back to Bangalore and get back to the life i was used to there. But today, with my tickets in hand and my flight just a few hours away, i have only apprehension in my heart and mind. I don't want to go. I want to stay back in the safety of home. I know nothing will be the same, simply because i have changed. I have been away for a year and i suddenly feel, i don't even know the place. I am unsure about my friends, my life, my work and every possible thing.
Then why was i so adamant, why did i fight with my parents saying i had to go back to Bangalore and now why don't i have the courage to simply say, ok, i wont go back, i will give my own city a try. What has changed? I wish i knew. The only thing i know is, i am feeling blue. I hate change, i always did, but life has given me nothing but unstable standing stages. Every few years i am forced to move, sometimes back to familiar places and sometimes to new. It doesn't excite me, it never did, i just want to settle down for a bit.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Here it is finally, the reality of going back. The countdown has begun and the days are rushing by fast. 4 days and i will be on the plane taking me back home, with my bags packed, goodbyes said and a part of me left behind. I suddenly don't want to go back. I don't want this phase to end. I have finally started loving everything and feeling one with this place.
But then at the same time, i want to go back home. Most of all, i want to eat with my fingers and not worry about table manners. I want to speak without thinking if its correct grammar or not, i want to feel free to be what i want, in my own land.
So yes, on the whole, i am excited to be leaving soon. Touching base, meeting my family and my friends. Over this holiday, these 7 months and its adventures. But i promise i will be back to say hello to each one who have meant the world to me here.

The woes of packing

I love traveling, but i hate packing ! It gives me nightmares, jitters and everything that is not a happy feeling. Small trips or long ones, i always end up packing or carrying more things than i actually need. They i huff and puff with my luggage, crib and curse and promise myself that when i travel next, i will be more sensible. But as usual, the promise will soon be forgotten, and then the next time i travel, the same story will be repeated.
7 months back, as i was packing to come to France, i was very sensible and only put in stuff that i would absolutely need here. I thought i had done such a great job at sorting and packing ( thanks to my parents pulling out 3/4th of the stuff i wanted to put in ), but then when the time came to manage my bags, of course it was a disaster. My bags put together weighed more than me, and dragging them across airports, bus shuttles and railway stations was a tough job and pain. I broke a nail, stubbed my toe, almost missed my train in the process of hauling all my luggage all along the train. I reached my destination and told myself, that is it, on the return, i am traveling lighter than this ! But as expected, my shopping continued. There were so many things i saw, that i will never get in India, and it was so absolutely necessary to buy everything. I kept telling myself, nah, i am still within weight limits. I have nothing to worry. Then i told myself, ok, i will leave behind all the stuff that i bought in India and have used regularly in the time i have been here. Having decided that, i entered my favorite stores and shopped some more.
Finally today, i decided i cannot push it anymore. I must get down to packing and getting ready to go. So i started stuffing things into the suitcase, one by one, and still there were huge piles lying all around. I am finally done with stuffing my bags and i fear its worse than when i came in, so god help me in trying to transport everything. Once again i will be alone, at railway stations, airports and all the way till i get home. Struggling, juggling and continuing to curse my shopping !

Relations

I have been living with a French family for the last 7 months. I eat with them, i help out with house work, i argue at times and i can even say whats on my mind. They treat me just like one of their kids. I am pampered and scolded, i am praised when i deserve and taught what is right and wrong when the time calls for it. I feel as much a part of this family, as i feel back home with mine. But in reality, i have no blood relation with any of the family members, and i am just someone who needed a place to stay and they let me stay with them all this while.
I never address them by name, i don't call them papa or maman, as their kids call them. I never call them by their names simply because they are more than double my age and the idea of adressing them by their names is just very strange. When i refer to them while talking to friends, i say my host parents. I sometimes call them my French maman or French dad too, but that seems very strange as well. It is true, my host mom has been like a mom to me. In the last 7 months, she has treated me just like her own family. I go to her when i have some problem, i talk to her if im feeling low. If i need some help, i turn to her, when i have questions its always her. She protects me and pampers me, she takes so much care of me. She will remember small things about my food habits, things i like to eat, and like any mother will make sure i have surprises and things i like always stocked up in the fridge or in my room. We might share a mother - daughter relationship, but i never call her mom, because in reality she is not my mom. It is weird, i have always started my sentence when i talk to her with "tu". It has always been, "tu veux un cafe ou un the ?" or " tu fais quoi ?". Never have i refered to her by name.
Today she was signing on some books she gifted me, and that is when we realized, i never call her by any name which she can sign by. It is strange, these relations that we make along the way of our life, which have no links, no basis, no history behind. They are just ties we make along the way which cannot really be given any names.

Things i will miss

There are so many things i will miss about France : their coffee, their weather, their cheese, their baguette and what not. I will miss the people, the families and all. I will miss my kids in school, the other teachers and my friends a lot. I will miss my cats, my room, my bed, the garden and every corner of this house of sorts !
I will miss the streets, the river, the gardens, the railway station i have been on every few weeks in the last 7 months. I will miss the kebabs and the brioche tostee avec nutella ! I will miss H&M, Zara, Etam and all the other stores.
I will miss the crepes, the random walks in the parks, i will miss my online life with friends, sharing our day, be it full of joys or not.
I will miss coming home, opening the door and yelling out coucou to my host mom, i will miss her scatter ways and our random coffee's at all odd hours.
I will miss traveling and discovering new cities and places, i will miss most of all these days of almost not working ! I will miss so much, i can't even pen down all, because the fact is, i may have lived here only 7 months, but i am leaving behind a part of my heart.

Mixed emotions

I knew when the time came to go back to India, i would feel bad, but i would so dangerously sway between emotions, i had never thought at all. Every morning i wake up counting days left to get back home, feeling excited and putting my day to a start. I meet friends, i visit places, i go to my favorite cafes and brasseries. By afternoon, it sinks in that only a handful of days are left, and then i feel miserable and at times even shed a tear. I then rush around like a headless chicken, eating, visiting, talking , gossiping and taking in every bit of this city and the people living within. By evening i come home exhausted, mentally and physically drained and then i get on my computer and talk to family and friends back home. There again, i start feeling excited with the thought of going back home and meeting them soon, that i quickly forget my all day long blues.
Seriously, what is this madness i ask myself, am i happy to be going back or not at all ? I don't know what i am feeling right now as i pen down my thoughts, but this sure is a feeling i have never had in the past !

Life

We all have our problems, our own demons which we fight. We each go through a stage in our life, where we are bogged down by our problems or sorrows. That does not negate that other people do not have any of their own, but it is only that our problems seem so huge to us, that we feel, no one will truly understand what is going on within our minds and hearts. It is true, each person has a part of themselves which is too personal for anyone to understand. Friends and family might try to, they might even succeed in understanding the first 2 or 3 levels of the pain or problem, but below that surface, they will never reach. Because each one lives his life and feels and dreams for himself.
No one has the right to negate someone else's problems by thinking they are not as important or as painful as theirs. They have not lived the exact life of the other person, they have not felt the rush of emotions and so they have no right to judge the other person. No one is better or worse, nor are their problems. It is all too personal and this is what makes each of us different individuals.