France introduced me to a lot of things. But the one i love the most is, jelly beans ! These colorful fruit pulp beans are my favorite snack no matter what the time of day or night. Be it watching a movie, reading a book or simply chatting with friends, i have my huge bag of jelly beans by my side. They are my comfort food, as i like to call them. No day goes by without a mouthful of them, and i have invented a new term, loub ou which is now one of my patented lines !
One finds comfort in all odd things, i found mine in a bag of jelly beans ! I don't care about the calories or the sugar content. All i know is, i love them ! They make me happy when i am sad, and share in my happiness whenever i am glad ! I hope i find them in India too, because now they have become an integral part of my life found new !
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A tear
A tear rolled down my cheek this morning. I asked it, "what is it that called you down?" It said, "nothing, i just felt like coming down. Life up there, sitting in your eyes was getting boring". So i said to it, "Boring?". "Well, yes.. " it replied back. "How long will you hold me back and pretend to be brave and strong and go on acting like there is nothing wrong? I finally decided to take matters into my own hands and that is why i am rolling down".......
Sometimes, we cry for no reason at all. Like we feel we have lived through a stressful time without tears, and now when everything is starting to get fine, why am i crying? And then we realize, this is what the little tear meant, when it said, how long will you pretend to be strong? I have finally decided to take things in my own hands. Yes, sometimes we feel we are crying for no reason at all, we call it hormones, we blame it on the weather, we blame it on all possible reasons, but don't accept that the tear has its own brain as well, and knows when its time to take matters in its own hands. All these days, i was sick, i was scared, i was alone. I felt like crying many times, but i controlled and i withheld and i told myself i was strong. But i did not realize that by holding back my tears and emotions, i was causing more harm than good. That is when, my little tear decided to take matters in its own hands. It rolled down and got my emotions out. I ran into the shower and cried my heart out. I cried and i cried until i felt much better. I let the fear and the emotions and the loneliness pour out. I let it flow off with the water around me. I let it out till there was not a drop left.
I came out feeling better, more able to face life. I came out feeling stronger than i had been feeling in a long while. Thank you little tear, for finally taking matters in your own hands. It felt good to be like a baby again and bow down to your commands.
Sometimes, we cry for no reason at all. Like we feel we have lived through a stressful time without tears, and now when everything is starting to get fine, why am i crying? And then we realize, this is what the little tear meant, when it said, how long will you pretend to be strong? I have finally decided to take things in my own hands. Yes, sometimes we feel we are crying for no reason at all, we call it hormones, we blame it on the weather, we blame it on all possible reasons, but don't accept that the tear has its own brain as well, and knows when its time to take matters in its own hands. All these days, i was sick, i was scared, i was alone. I felt like crying many times, but i controlled and i withheld and i told myself i was strong. But i did not realize that by holding back my tears and emotions, i was causing more harm than good. That is when, my little tear decided to take matters in its own hands. It rolled down and got my emotions out. I ran into the shower and cried my heart out. I cried and i cried until i felt much better. I let the fear and the emotions and the loneliness pour out. I let it flow off with the water around me. I let it out till there was not a drop left.
I came out feeling better, more able to face life. I came out feeling stronger than i had been feeling in a long while. Thank you little tear, for finally taking matters in your own hands. It felt good to be like a baby again and bow down to your commands.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sleep
Come sweet sleep, come to me
Let me find peace in your sanctuary
Come sweet sleep, come to me
Let me dream a relaxed dream
Come sweet sleep, come to me
I haven't seen you for an eternity
Come, let us hold hands and walk
Walk along the dark sleepy paths
Lead me to see the stars and the moon,
Dream of beautiful dreams come true
Come sweet sleep, come to me
Let me hug you tenderly
Let me find peace in your sanctuary
Come sweet sleep, come to me
Let me dream a relaxed dream
Come sweet sleep, come to me
I haven't seen you for an eternity
Come, let us hold hands and walk
Walk along the dark sleepy paths
Lead me to see the stars and the moon,
Dream of beautiful dreams come true
Come sweet sleep, come to me
Let me hug you tenderly
Friday, January 23, 2009
This is how i am
It doesn't matter if people like me or not, but this is the way i am. I can never pretend to be somebody i am not. If i am happy, the whole world knows i am happy, and if i am sad, it is visible at the first sight of me. Its in the way i dress up, or simply in my voice, but people who know me well, will be able to instantly recognize.
I hate confrontations of any kind, and there are many a times, i will hurt myself but not tell the other person what is on my mind. Then u ask, how is it that anyone can know how i am? Well, the people who matter will know, and the others, well, i don't care if they do or no.
For me, every little thing is special, be it a memory, a dress, a shoe or a person. Every thing has its special place in my heart and mind, and every one will be treated in the way i feel for them, at that point of time. If i am angry or upset with anyone, they will know it from my talk. If i like something, be it a song or simply an accessory or anything that i own, i will wear it, listen to it for as long as it takes me to move on. When it comes to people, if i like someone, i will do anything for them, even if the whole world says i am a nut. But i wont see anything beyond that person, and surely not give importance to their faults. If he or she hurts me, i will cry and feel bad, but i will give the person endless chances. I will never judge and decide, if the person is right or wrong. I will always give them the benefit of doubt and say, the situation was bad.
I compartmentalize people and things in my life, each having its own special corner of pride. Just because i bought a new pair of shoes, doesn't mean i wont love the old ones anymore, only my attention will be more on the new one and not the old. Just because i meet new friends, i wont forget the old and same goes for the people i love and who make up my world. Each one knows how much they mean to me, because when i do feel for them, i express it openly.
I am this way, good or bad and i know there are not many people who will understand this fact.
I hate confrontations of any kind, and there are many a times, i will hurt myself but not tell the other person what is on my mind. Then u ask, how is it that anyone can know how i am? Well, the people who matter will know, and the others, well, i don't care if they do or no.
For me, every little thing is special, be it a memory, a dress, a shoe or a person. Every thing has its special place in my heart and mind, and every one will be treated in the way i feel for them, at that point of time. If i am angry or upset with anyone, they will know it from my talk. If i like something, be it a song or simply an accessory or anything that i own, i will wear it, listen to it for as long as it takes me to move on. When it comes to people, if i like someone, i will do anything for them, even if the whole world says i am a nut. But i wont see anything beyond that person, and surely not give importance to their faults. If he or she hurts me, i will cry and feel bad, but i will give the person endless chances. I will never judge and decide, if the person is right or wrong. I will always give them the benefit of doubt and say, the situation was bad.
I compartmentalize people and things in my life, each having its own special corner of pride. Just because i bought a new pair of shoes, doesn't mean i wont love the old ones anymore, only my attention will be more on the new one and not the old. Just because i meet new friends, i wont forget the old and same goes for the people i love and who make up my world. Each one knows how much they mean to me, because when i do feel for them, i express it openly.
I am this way, good or bad and i know there are not many people who will understand this fact.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I miss those days
I miss those days when you were only a phone call away
I miss those days when we would go out on coffee dates
I miss those days when we sat and chatted endlessly
I miss those days when life was so happy
I miss those days when we would all sit around
I miss those endless UNO rounds
I miss those parties and those fun times
I miss everything that was mine
I miss having all of you around
I miss the plays and the movies out
I miss those evenings spent in Mojo's
I miss the V V Puram food plates
I miss those impromptu lunches and dinners between work
I miss the shopping at my favorite malls
I miss sitting and gossiping over coffee and corn
I miss all that i had all along
I cannot wait to come back to it all
I cannot wait to meet you all
I miss those days when we would go out on coffee dates
I miss those days when we sat and chatted endlessly
I miss those days when life was so happy
I miss those days when we would all sit around
I miss those endless UNO rounds
I miss those parties and those fun times
I miss everything that was mine
I miss having all of you around
I miss the plays and the movies out
I miss those evenings spent in Mojo's
I miss the V V Puram food plates
I miss those impromptu lunches and dinners between work
I miss the shopping at my favorite malls
I miss sitting and gossiping over coffee and corn
I miss all that i had all along
I cannot wait to come back to it all
I cannot wait to meet you all
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A fruitful day
After a long long time, i felt i did something worthwhile with my life. I had a bunch of things to complete, and i had neatly made a list of them to finish this week. This morning i woke up and decided it was time i shook of this lazy feeling and used my time more productively. I got around to starting my day with a good breakfast, and instantaneously i was filled with new sprung energy. That is when i realized what people mean, when they talk about the importance of the first meal !
Then i got up to my room and decided it was time i cleaned it through. I vacuumed and i dusted and set things right, i washed a huge load of clothes alright !
Then i sat and did some important paperwork, made phone calls and finished the work.
Cooked myself a lunch and had it on time, went to the post office and bank and finished that work as well, on time !
Now sitting here with my well deserved mug of coffee, i smile. Wow, i like it when i feel my day has been worthwhile !
Then i got up to my room and decided it was time i cleaned it through. I vacuumed and i dusted and set things right, i washed a huge load of clothes alright !
Then i sat and did some important paperwork, made phone calls and finished the work.
Cooked myself a lunch and had it on time, went to the post office and bank and finished that work as well, on time !
Now sitting here with my well deserved mug of coffee, i smile. Wow, i like it when i feel my day has been worthwhile !
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The endless talks
Internet has made life so easy. Distances are no more felt so much, and we don't have to wait for week's to receive a letter or get in touch. The world has become so small, and no matter where i am, there is always the feeling of being in contact with people i want.
I wake up every morning and the first thing i do, while still in bed, is turn on my laptop. Check if i have any mail and if my friends are online or not. I meet the same friends online daily, and yet we always have something to talk. From the moment i wake up to the time i sleep, i am connected to what has now become my personal idiot box !
Talk talk talk, about things that are important and those which are absolutely not. Bitching sessions with friends or something just laughs, this is how i usually have my day pass. Talk about silly things, or simply the return date, talk about the things that happened during the day. I do miss my phone at times, which back in India would ring non stop. i miss the sms-ing and the constant buzzing, but the internet thankfully is a good replacement !
I wake up every morning and the first thing i do, while still in bed, is turn on my laptop. Check if i have any mail and if my friends are online or not. I meet the same friends online daily, and yet we always have something to talk. From the moment i wake up to the time i sleep, i am connected to what has now become my personal idiot box !
Talk talk talk, about things that are important and those which are absolutely not. Bitching sessions with friends or something just laughs, this is how i usually have my day pass. Talk about silly things, or simply the return date, talk about the things that happened during the day. I do miss my phone at times, which back in India would ring non stop. i miss the sms-ing and the constant buzzing, but the internet thankfully is a good replacement !
Monday, January 19, 2009
The letter
Yesterday i was sick again, and feeling as horrid and i could feel. The only thought that kept coming to my mind was, i want to run back home and leave all this. I can't stay here, i can't bear this cold and i want the comfort of my home. I had almost decided to cancel my contract, come back and get on track. I slept feeling miserable, cranky and sore, not wanting to hear from anyone any more.
But when this morning i woke up, there was a mail in my inbox, from a friend whom i met here in France. She wrote in her own sweet way, just giving me courage to hold on, trying to make me see the bright spot in this dark. Her simple words, her caring advice, suddenly made me see all things bright. Thanks Alie for cheering me up and giving me that dose of confidence :)
But when this morning i woke up, there was a mail in my inbox, from a friend whom i met here in France. She wrote in her own sweet way, just giving me courage to hold on, trying to make me see the bright spot in this dark. Her simple words, her caring advice, suddenly made me see all things bright. Thanks Alie for cheering me up and giving me that dose of confidence :)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
P.S. I love you
There are so many people who have made a huge difference to my life. Put in all their efforts to see me happy or make me a better human. I have always taken these people for granted, knowing, yes, whatever i do, they will be there. I never take time off, to just spend with them, or simply turn around and tell them how much they mean to me.
My parents, how much i love them, for all they have been to me. For their time and patience and love and teaching. For me, they are there, they know i love them, so why do i need to tell them so, but its so not true, because no matter how much i express, it will never be enough to show them how much i really do. I know i should thank you more often for the little things you do, for its not my birth right to get all you do. Thanks so much, for pampering me, loving me and letting me be who i want to be. Thanks for understanding me and having patience with me. I am who i am today and i know its the best i can be, its all thanks to your time and patience spent on me, not only when i was little but through every day till today. Thank you for being there, no matter what the time of day.
P.S. i know i don't say it enough, but, I love you a lot.
After my parents comes none other than my sister. I know we fight and argue a lot and i know i have always been the rebellious sort. I know i don't take time off to tell you how much you mean to me, but the truth is, my life would be incomplete without having you to turn to at ever step of my life. You have always been the perfect cool sister that i have looked up on, always someone i have wanted to become. Thank you so much for all that you do for me, thank you for always protecting me. I know i sometimes tend to pretend that i get annoyed, but in reality, its a nice feeling to know i am safe with you around. Its a nice feeling to be protected, pampered and loved by you. We have not really spent a lot of time together i know, but you are always close to my heart and i know we are not more than a phone call apart.
P.S. i know i should say it more often to you, I really really love you a lot.
My parents, how much i love them, for all they have been to me. For their time and patience and love and teaching. For me, they are there, they know i love them, so why do i need to tell them so, but its so not true, because no matter how much i express, it will never be enough to show them how much i really do. I know i should thank you more often for the little things you do, for its not my birth right to get all you do. Thanks so much, for pampering me, loving me and letting me be who i want to be. Thanks for understanding me and having patience with me. I am who i am today and i know its the best i can be, its all thanks to your time and patience spent on me, not only when i was little but through every day till today. Thank you for being there, no matter what the time of day.
P.S. i know i don't say it enough, but, I love you a lot.
After my parents comes none other than my sister. I know we fight and argue a lot and i know i have always been the rebellious sort. I know i don't take time off to tell you how much you mean to me, but the truth is, my life would be incomplete without having you to turn to at ever step of my life. You have always been the perfect cool sister that i have looked up on, always someone i have wanted to become. Thank you so much for all that you do for me, thank you for always protecting me. I know i sometimes tend to pretend that i get annoyed, but in reality, its a nice feeling to know i am safe with you around. Its a nice feeling to be protected, pampered and loved by you. We have not really spent a lot of time together i know, but you are always close to my heart and i know we are not more than a phone call apart.
P.S. i know i should say it more often to you, I really really love you a lot.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Today's fortune...
So Orkut has this thing on the top, a section for "Today's fortune" where they give their one line gyan for the day. This morning when i checked on mine it said, "A friend is someone who knows you and loves you all the same". It is so true. Whom can we call a true friend? Someone who knows how you grumble when you are tired or sleepy, knows what makes you happy and what ticks you off. Has the patience through one of your sudden temper tantrums, or at times, simply tantrums for the sake of having them, but loves you all the same. Loves you with the entire package deal you come along with.
People come into our lives and people leave. Most of them judge you too quickly, from only what they want to see. They decide if you are good or not, if you are worthy of their friendship and time or not. These are the one's who believe they have lot of friends and so they have a right to keep you or not. While there are others whom you shoo off every time, be rude when you are angry and shower love when you are not, whom you get all your irritation and true colors out on, but yet these people patiently wait for you to bounce back, for you to feel better and all right. They will be the one's to come first to you, not when you are happy, but when you are sad. They are the one's you can call at anytime without having to think if its the right time or not. Everyone is blessed with a handful of those few, and here is a cheers to all those are have made my life extra special with just being there through old and new :)
People come into our lives and people leave. Most of them judge you too quickly, from only what they want to see. They decide if you are good or not, if you are worthy of their friendship and time or not. These are the one's who believe they have lot of friends and so they have a right to keep you or not. While there are others whom you shoo off every time, be rude when you are angry and shower love when you are not, whom you get all your irritation and true colors out on, but yet these people patiently wait for you to bounce back, for you to feel better and all right. They will be the one's to come first to you, not when you are happy, but when you are sad. They are the one's you can call at anytime without having to think if its the right time or not. Everyone is blessed with a handful of those few, and here is a cheers to all those are have made my life extra special with just being there through old and new :)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A long day
There are days when u wake up in the morning, just knowing it's going to be a long day. You can feel the undone things rush through your head. Then you peek your head out of the blanket and its freezing cold and you think to yourself, oh no !
This morning i woke at an insanely early hour, and literally fought with all my might to get myself out of the blanket and get, set, start. My feet moved slowly, getting used to the cold all around, while my head tried to find reasons to cancel all my days plans. I tried to think of all possible reasons, like im still infectious from my flu and it will be better kids don't get it from me in school. I fought what we all do, the good and the evil within us, i drowned a huge mug of coffee hoping i would be more up. Nothing helped to push back the start.
I left when the sun was not even up, and dragged my feet till the bus stop. Stood in the cold and waited for the bus, all the time dreaming of a day without class. The bus came after a long long wait, i chose my favorite seat next to the heating and at once my eyes shut and i was lost in space. Woke up when i was nearing my stop, thanking my starts that i managed to get up. I dragged my feet from the bus till my school and here i tried not to lose my cool. The door wouldn't open no matter how much i tried, so i was stuck out waiting in the cold till someone realized. Into my first class and students decide that today will be the day to make the most noise. already at 8.30 in the morning feeling my headache rise, i took a deep breath and started to organize.
Now im sitting here after an eventful morning with sorting kids fights and singing " when you happy and you know it" at the top of my voice. I still have a long way to go on till the school and my day come to an end, and the only thing i can think of is a warm warm bed !
This morning i woke at an insanely early hour, and literally fought with all my might to get myself out of the blanket and get, set, start. My feet moved slowly, getting used to the cold all around, while my head tried to find reasons to cancel all my days plans. I tried to think of all possible reasons, like im still infectious from my flu and it will be better kids don't get it from me in school. I fought what we all do, the good and the evil within us, i drowned a huge mug of coffee hoping i would be more up. Nothing helped to push back the start.
I left when the sun was not even up, and dragged my feet till the bus stop. Stood in the cold and waited for the bus, all the time dreaming of a day without class. The bus came after a long long wait, i chose my favorite seat next to the heating and at once my eyes shut and i was lost in space. Woke up when i was nearing my stop, thanking my starts that i managed to get up. I dragged my feet from the bus till my school and here i tried not to lose my cool. The door wouldn't open no matter how much i tried, so i was stuck out waiting in the cold till someone realized. Into my first class and students decide that today will be the day to make the most noise. already at 8.30 in the morning feeling my headache rise, i took a deep breath and started to organize.
Now im sitting here after an eventful morning with sorting kids fights and singing " when you happy and you know it" at the top of my voice. I still have a long way to go on till the school and my day come to an end, and the only thing i can think of is a warm warm bed !
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sleepless-ness
Its past 1 am and im lying in bed. I want to sleep, but my eyes refuse to shut and let me rest. Am i stressed? If yes, then about what? Am i worried? No i am not. Then why do my eyelids refuse to shut, even though i feel mentally and physically drained out? I want to shout out loud and just get it all out, these feelings of uneasiness that i have all about. So many questions, so many doubts, oh so many things to figure out. What do i want, what do i not, why do these thoughts always come out when i am exhausted to the last drop? Please let me sleep, i tell my mind, take away these thoughts and questions that u unwind. Stop playing the same thoughts over and over again, it is useless i tell you and will drive me insane.
I tried breathing in and breathing out just like i have been taught to relax, but nothing seems to help me on this dreadful spot. I am thinking of things over and over, trying to turn my minds from nightmares to happy thoughts. But for some reason today, they just refuse to let me rest, its endless thoughts filled with unrest.
I tried breathing in and breathing out just like i have been taught to relax, but nothing seems to help me on this dreadful spot. I am thinking of things over and over, trying to turn my minds from nightmares to happy thoughts. But for some reason today, they just refuse to let me rest, its endless thoughts filled with unrest.
Its all in the way we see ourselves
My first reaction to anything i used to see in the past was, "i can't do it" or "it's too tough" or "i am not good enough" ! Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we always underestimate ourselves? Why are we so scared to even try, just imagining that we are not good enough compared to people all around ?It is not that we lack something physically or mentally, thankfully we are all blessed to be healthy and happy. It's only in our state of mind that it exists, this feeling of underestimating ourselves. We let other people tell us we are not good enough, because in our hearts we ourselves believe such stuff. We are no better or worse than others around us, but we have to learn to believe it, even if it seems so tough. What makes the lion the king of the jungle? It's not its size and definitely not its strength. There are other animals bigger than it and some others that are stronger, yet we say the lion is the king. Why is that? It is only because he comes out and shows himself with confidence. Life is nothing but self confidence, knowing that we are as good as we want ourselves to be. Each one of us can be a lion and feel like a king, if only we have the courage to see ourselves in that setting. So pull on your mane's and give a roar, you are not any lesser than those people who make you feel smaller than them. Stand side by side with anyone you feel, with your head held high and eyes full of dreams. Nothing can stop you from winning any race, if you only have the self confidence to participate in the first place !
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Alone in a land of far far away
I feel like the only leaf on this barren branch. Where the cold has taken away all the leaves, but this one is trying to be brave and strong and fight the weather with all its strength. I woke up yesterday morning feeling a little sick, but i told myself, it was just the fear of going to school in below 0 degrees. I tried to cheer up, cover myself warm, i went to school, though still feeling sick. I worked the entire morning trying not to give this feeling much importance. I had plans to meet a friend after school, so i stuck to it, thinking there is no apparent reason for me to come back home and rest. So i spent the day gallivanting all over town, trying to tell myself, the extreme body pain was just a reaction to the cold all around. I got back home shivering and feeling down, and suddenly felt like i had no energy to even get myself a hot cup of coffee or tea and calm down. I tried to be cheerful and told no1 about how i was feeling, just pulled up the covers and went to sleep. Woke up feeling sicker than i have felt in days, shivering and cold and not at ease.
I felt more alone than i could ever feel, not having anyone to explain what i was feeling in my own language. The fear of seeing a doctor in this strange far away land, the fear and feeling of being all alone made me more sad. Life teaches us many things, and this is a lesson too. Not always will i have someone to take care of me and be there for me. There will come times, when i will have to fight alone, No matter how strong the wind around me and no matter how alone.
Days go by
7 months ! 7 months ! They Seemed so endless when i got here. Time had taken a decision to move at its own painfully slow pace. Passing from one day to the next used to seem like a hurdle and smiling through it an even bigger test. But now the time is running, faster than a horse. The tickets are in hand and the return is looming ahead at last.
I am sad about leaving here, this family and this life. I am sad about the fact that i might never meet the wonderful people that are now a part of my life. I will miss the stinky cheese, the bitter and strong coffee, i will miss the raw fish and all that is typically french-ish ! I will miss walking down rue St. Catherine, hogging on nutella crepes and window shopping. I will miss the endless hours spent chatting with my friends, i will miss all these crazy french ways.
But all the same, i am counting the days left to go home. Meet the people i love, the weather so nice, the food so yum and all that is just so right ! I am waiting to get off the plane and run out into my land, with its heat and noise and everything !
I am sad about leaving here, this family and this life. I am sad about the fact that i might never meet the wonderful people that are now a part of my life. I will miss the stinky cheese, the bitter and strong coffee, i will miss the raw fish and all that is typically french-ish ! I will miss walking down rue St. Catherine, hogging on nutella crepes and window shopping. I will miss the endless hours spent chatting with my friends, i will miss all these crazy french ways.
But all the same, i am counting the days left to go home. Meet the people i love, the weather so nice, the food so yum and all that is just so right ! I am waiting to get off the plane and run out into my land, with its heat and noise and everything !
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Bring in the new year
A new year brings in hopes, a new year brings in dreams, a new year brings in things all bright and clean. A new year brings in happiness of new things to come, a new year leaves behind sadness of all things lost. It is a chance to clean the slate and say, here is a fresh new start to my day. It is an excuse we can say, to celebrate or to shrug behind heavy baggage.
Like everyone else, i start this year with new hopes and dreams. I start it by trying to polish my slate clean. No new year resolutions for me this time, just a hope of living to be the best me i can be ...
Like everyone else, i start this year with new hopes and dreams. I start it by trying to polish my slate clean. No new year resolutions for me this time, just a hope of living to be the best me i can be ...
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