Today i finish 3 months of leaving home. Time no longer has any meaning, nor do days. Dates just pass, i still count them backwards and forwards, but they still stand and hold their glance. I was never away from family or friends for so long in the past, but this time it just seems to go on and on. People say i am lucky to be living this chance, but for me, i am tired and want to return to my land.
A friend said, live for today, don't think of future, not realizing the importance that warm future holds in my present life. I wake up on cold grey mornings and dream of the sun and warmth back home, i dream of family and friends and my life that i seem to miss more and more. Holidays are fun, but only for a while, then one wants to go back and make their life worth while.
Don't take away my dreams from me, i know they will only hurt, but let them be. Humor my dreams and my silly wishes, just let me be the person i need to be.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Trying to defend what does not exist
Have you ever fought for something that you know is a lost battle? Or tried to defend some dream that in your heart you know will never come true because it ceases to exist? Sometimes, i ask myself questions, what am i trying to achieve, fighting with the world, defending feelings that don't exist? Why do i try to convince my heart that all will be ok, when in reality i know ok is just an illusion created by me? I say things to myself, just to make me happy, i try to see dreams just because i want to believe doing that will make them come true.
What are illusions and why do we create them? Why do we thrive and breath with them? Illusions hurt more than reality, simply because one persists and the other exists. Illusions make us happy for a little while, or give us whatever we wish to have, but they hurt hard when u fall flat on your face, just because your attention shifted and the illusion disappeared. But yet, even when you know the illusion has gone, you still sometimes find yourself defending it with all your heart. Why does the mind play such games? Why even when you know and you believe you understand the difference between real and unreal, why does your mind still show you and give you hopes of things that weren't ever there?
What are illusions and why do we create them? Why do we thrive and breath with them? Illusions hurt more than reality, simply because one persists and the other exists. Illusions make us happy for a little while, or give us whatever we wish to have, but they hurt hard when u fall flat on your face, just because your attention shifted and the illusion disappeared. But yet, even when you know the illusion has gone, you still sometimes find yourself defending it with all your heart. Why does the mind play such games? Why even when you know and you believe you understand the difference between real and unreal, why does your mind still show you and give you hopes of things that weren't ever there?
Friday, December 26, 2008
The beautiful sight !
The Eiffel Tower is one of the most talked about sights, when one is growing up and living in the French language and culture. As a student of the French language, back in school, when anyone asked, "what do you think of when you think of France ?", without a blink, the answer would be the Eiffel Tower ! This clichéd sight, with its gigantic structure and lights !When i first came to France, i was a little girl, just excited about taking pictures in front of all the famous sights, to show back to my family and friends. But this time, when i went to visit Paris, i really took the time to admire and appreciate all that i was seeing. Touching the old stone pillars of the Notre Dame, and trying to feel the history and stories coming out of them, to simply walking along the Champs Elysees, and seeing the richest and finest ware.
The magnanimity of the Louvre and its majestic pyramid, with the power it held within it. But what won my heart right out, was none other than the sight of the Eiffel Tower. It stood so huge and smart, right in the middle of this city of art. Blinking its blue lights and the numerous people gaping at it, i took my turn to just stand in front and feel the power of it. The sight is beautiful even in day light, but nothing to come even close to comparing it at night !
Paris took my breath away, with its gorgeous sights and lights ! If i have to come back another time, i think it will be Paris, which will be my first choice :)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
More rewarding
All experiences in life require efforts. No changes are happy changes and never is life not tough. But to overcome all hurdles and achieve what we want is what makes the ride really fun. The result may or may not be as rewarding, but its the efforts and the final outcome which are a pat on the back.
When i think about the experience i am currently living, i feel like i am standing on my head, coz this world is just the opposite from what i am used to normally seeing. It took efforts to balance myself, and even before that, get myself mentally prepared for this experience. Now finally there, standing on my head, all in balance and my hands firmly on the ground, i feel that the blood rushing to my head is making my thoughts profound. My feet here don't work as much as they would have back home, and my hands are just placed in a standstill. I don't do much, i just stand here on my head and hands, watching and taking in all thats mad. And in this uncomfortable position that i am in, i think to myself, well its true what the strip is saying, "somehow i had imagined this experience to be more rewarding!"
Two loves of my life !
There are many things that i really love, but these two nearly top the lot ! My mug of coffee and this naughty kitten Hercules, they just sum up what i need, to make me smile in times of need.
Hot coffee has always been my favorite pick, to get me up and running quick. Give it to me at any time of day or night, and i will willingly accept it with the biggest smile.
When i wake up on cold mornings, i am first greeted with Hercules who wants me to play with him, and then my steaming hot mug of coffee.
No matter how boring my day seems sometimes, Hercules always has some mischief he will come up with in life. Climb up a table and drop everything, or just stuff his nose in all my things. Jumping up on the door, to turn the handle, and then when the door opens, stride in with his mischievous grin ! Jumping up on the gas and giving me frights, or simply drive me up the wall with his constant noise ! Chewing on all my wires and typing on the laptop, thats Hercules for you in one of his mischievous thoughts ! But despite all his tricks and what not's, oh how i love this kitten of sorts! With his not black, not white, not even grey color, he is the most handsome cat i have got to cuddle !
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Small pleasures in life
Who needs big things to happen to you so that you can feel happy and high? Its all the small pleasures in my life that give me the biggest highs ! Cooking a meal and it being appreciated by the people who eat it, or the simple pleasure of finally finishing reading a French novel and understanding almost all of it ! These are things that happened today that made me happy, that made me chirpy.
To add to it all, i did the third pending thing that i was all these days scared to start ! I finally opened up the kit of things that held the secret to making my earrings. I opened the packet and pulled out one set, emptied it all out and thought to myself, oh what were you thinking you idiot, when you cant even remember how it was set up ! I looked at it in fright, thinking i could never complete it, packed it up and just put it aside.
After 5 minutes i thought to myself, anyways its a waste and just going to end up lying in a corner space, so lets see how much more i can mess it up, at least then i can tell everyone i didn't just give up. So out came the box, in went a deep breath and pop fell out all the stuff. I looked at it carefully, tried to make sense. Tried to think what i would have loved to buy for myself. Ideas fell out and it suddenly all seemed so easy and swell ! So slowly but with excitement, i started to join the stuff, and voila in 10 minutes i was looking at a splendid pair of ear drops !
With confidence in myself, i pulled out the glue, stuck some stuff, then took another deep breath and started cutting some other parts. Suddenly it all seemed to fall into its space, and i had in a span of half an hour got my first pair of earrings in place !
With a huge smile and a pat on my back, i then pulled out the stuff from the second rack. Out came the complicated parts, as bigger became the challenge to fix it all up. In a span of another 15 minutes, i had a rough plan in my head, so i started putting the parts in place and waiting to see the result and gaze ! The earrings would look so lovely when they were stuck and joined, i couldn't just take off my eyes !
Now they are both ready, sitting there proudly waiting to dry and i cant wipe out this feeling of pride and joy ! Joy in creating something on my own and pride for not having given it up at the start as i told !
Another year
Another year is soon coming to an end, i find myself asking the same questions again. What was this year to me like? Did i achieve anything right? Well as every year has in store, this year too has had things encore. A lot was learnt, a lot was achieved, some dreams were broken and some fulfilled. Friends were made, friends were lost, fights were won and fights were lost.
As every year i do, this year i have my list of resolutions too ! Will i follow them or will they be forgotten somewhere on the way, its only this time next year i'll be able to tell.
Coming back to this year that was, there is so much that has passed. I got my dream trip to France, i spent time doing a lot of work as a freelance. I taught many sessions at the Alliance, and made many friends who are sure to last. I got to know more people, i grew up a lot. I had my own little house and that was a start.
I spent quality time with my family at long last, after 4 years i was home for more than 3 months ! I learnt a lot on my translation skills, yes, thats something i want to hold on as my positive self. I learnt how to teach little kids and im doing the kind of job i had never dreamt of !
Last year was special in its own way, but i hope next year is better in all ways. I hope to make my dreams come true, if not all, then atleast a few. I hope to have April come soon, so that i can go back to my roots.
Next year will be for me the most bizarre, starting it in a city from the world so far. For the first time i won't start the year same time as my family and friends, i will get those extra hours to dwell on all my thoughts of farewell....
As every year i do, this year i have my list of resolutions too ! Will i follow them or will they be forgotten somewhere on the way, its only this time next year i'll be able to tell.
Coming back to this year that was, there is so much that has passed. I got my dream trip to France, i spent time doing a lot of work as a freelance. I taught many sessions at the Alliance, and made many friends who are sure to last. I got to know more people, i grew up a lot. I had my own little house and that was a start.
I spent quality time with my family at long last, after 4 years i was home for more than 3 months ! I learnt a lot on my translation skills, yes, thats something i want to hold on as my positive self. I learnt how to teach little kids and im doing the kind of job i had never dreamt of !
Last year was special in its own way, but i hope next year is better in all ways. I hope to make my dreams come true, if not all, then atleast a few. I hope to have April come soon, so that i can go back to my roots.
Next year will be for me the most bizarre, starting it in a city from the world so far. For the first time i won't start the year same time as my family and friends, i will get those extra hours to dwell on all my thoughts of farewell....
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Continuing the Tagging...
I learn't something new today, something about tagging. When someone tags you with some questions, you have to go ahead and answer them. So here is my attempt to give it all out and answer this tough stuff!
5. How i love passing my time looking at all old photographs !
4. I know i am lucky to be here and all that jazz, but am i not allowed to miss home and crib once in a while???
3. I hate people taking advantage of my niceness !
2. SIGH
1. Agrhhhhh !
Nine things about yourself:
9. I am very emotional.
8. A big drama queen.
7. Most of the time nice.
6. I think too much about everything.
5. I give other people too much importance.
4. A shopping freak.
3. I LOVE my family.
2. I also love my freedom and the life i have been given.
1. I am trying to change and become a better person.
Eight ways to win your heart:
8. Say something nice to me.
7. Take me shopping AND show patience.
6. Be yourself.
5. Laugh at my silly jokes.
4. Let me dream my dreams.
3. Pamper me, even if its just by getting me a cup of coffee.
2. Listen to me patiently when i am moody or cribby.
1. Smile.
Ten things you could say to people right now:
10. When will holidays start??
9. Ok, i am wasting time... SO WHAT !
8. Will it ever get warm??
7. Phew im tired
6. Im glad AFB has not forgotten me !10. When will holidays start??
9. Ok, i am wasting time... SO WHAT !
8. Will it ever get warm??
7. Phew im tired
5. How i love passing my time looking at all old photographs !
4. I know i am lucky to be here and all that jazz, but am i not allowed to miss home and crib once in a while???
3. I hate people taking advantage of my niceness !
2. SIGH
1. Agrhhhhh !
Nine things about yourself:
9. I am very emotional.
8. A big drama queen.
7. Most of the time nice.
6. I think too much about everything.
5. I give other people too much importance.
4. A shopping freak.
3. I LOVE my family.
2. I also love my freedom and the life i have been given.
1. I am trying to change and become a better person.
Eight ways to win your heart:
8. Say something nice to me.
7. Take me shopping AND show patience.
6. Be yourself.
5. Laugh at my silly jokes.
4. Let me dream my dreams.
3. Pamper me, even if its just by getting me a cup of coffee.
2. Listen to me patiently when i am moody or cribby.
1. Smile.
Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
7. Do people really think i am a bitch ?
6. Do i really come across as an irresponsible, spoilt brat?
5. When will i have all that?
4. Will i ever be truly happy from within?
3. What do i want from life?
2. Is this what i see myself doing for the rest of my life?
1. Ok, stop Uma... be Positive. Not because u have to be, but because u want to be !
Six things you wish you never did:
6. I wish i never hurt some people that i have in the past.
5. I wish i never took everything for granted.
4. I wish i had not given up on learning music.
3. I wish i had not given some people so much importance as i did.
2. I wish i had been more true to myself in the past
1. I wish i had never been so scared of who i am.
7. Do people really think i am a bitch ?
6. Do i really come across as an irresponsible, spoilt brat?
5. When will i have all that?
4. Will i ever be truly happy from within?
3. What do i want from life?
2. Is this what i see myself doing for the rest of my life?
1. Ok, stop Uma... be Positive. Not because u have to be, but because u want to be !
Six things you wish you never did:
6. I wish i never hurt some people that i have in the past.
5. I wish i never took everything for granted.
4. I wish i had not given up on learning music.
3. I wish i had not given some people so much importance as i did.
2. I wish i had been more true to myself in the past
1. I wish i had never been so scared of who i am.
Five turn offs:
5. Judgmental people.
4. People who think they are very smart and refuse to accept when they are wrong.
3. Anyone taking advantage of others, believing the person in front is a fool.
2. Dishonesty.
1. Pointing fingers at others without looking at oneself.
Four turn ons:
4. Honesty to self.
3. Confidence,
2. Sense of humor.
1. Capacity to be a child at times and an adult when required.
Three things you want to do before you die:
3. Write a book.
2. Go backpacking.
1. Be at peace with myself.
5. Judgmental people.
4. People who think they are very smart and refuse to accept when they are wrong.
3. Anyone taking advantage of others, believing the person in front is a fool.
2. Dishonesty.
1. Pointing fingers at others without looking at oneself.
Four turn ons:
4. Honesty to self.
3. Confidence,
2. Sense of humor.
1. Capacity to be a child at times and an adult when required.
Three things you want to do before you die:
3. Write a book.
2. Go backpacking.
1. Be at peace with myself.
Two things someone told you'd never forget:
2. Happiness cannot be got externally, it only exists within you and you need to find it there in your heart.
1. Family is more important than money or gold.
2. Happiness cannot be got externally, it only exists within you and you need to find it there in your heart.
1. Family is more important than money or gold.
One confession:
1. I am still scared to be myself because i worry too much about what the world will say.
1. I am still scared to be myself because i worry too much about what the world will say.
Brilliant idea's
Why do brilliant idea's strike me only when i have a deadline on my head or some important work at hand? Why will i want to upload pictures on picassa only when there is something far more important to be done? Or why would i decide to clean my room at that perfect time? These urges to do a whole lot of nonsense stuff will never cross my mind when i have lots of time. Its only when its past 11 in the night, when i know i should sleep but first finish my work, will i find it interesting to do all such things.
Writing not one, but two blogs, uploading pictures and writing long mails to friends, all such jobs are what i have been at for the last few hours. I know i should get up and prepare for class, i know i should sit and correct those tests and give those marks. But no, thats not what i will do till the very last hour, when i'll end up being stressed, cranky and bugged with the sort.
I had an entire weekend to do all this, a weekend which i preferred to enjoy instead. I told myself, i will take an earlier train, i'll reach home and finish all my pending work there. But i got home, i wasted more time and i am continuing to do so, sigh when will i learn that its first all chores and then fun galore??
Writing not one, but two blogs, uploading pictures and writing long mails to friends, all such jobs are what i have been at for the last few hours. I know i should get up and prepare for class, i know i should sit and correct those tests and give those marks. But no, thats not what i will do till the very last hour, when i'll end up being stressed, cranky and bugged with the sort.
I had an entire weekend to do all this, a weekend which i preferred to enjoy instead. I told myself, i will take an earlier train, i'll reach home and finish all my pending work there. But i got home, i wasted more time and i am continuing to do so, sigh when will i learn that its first all chores and then fun galore??
Sunday, December 14, 2008
A super saturday !
Waking up in the morning yesterday, i knew the day was going to be packed with fun and play. But what i really had in store was not what i had envisioned before. The day began as usual with us waking up late, but not finding it necessary to rush around and prepare. Instead we had a kindof leisurely breakfast and then decided it was really late. So out we went with shoppings bags and a list, to prepare an indian lunch fit for a king's feast. The feast was just chole and rice... but my oh my, was it nice ! So we rushed back with the ingredients and put together a meal, as we had a friend who was invited for the meal. Over laughs and talks and discussions galore, we finished off all that was in store.
After a good lunch, we went for italian coffee, after which we set out for a drive into a chateau. A chateau which seemed plain when we first saw it, but when our guide explained the details, i came out with a visual scene. A scene from the times of the soldiers and generals, and the entire castle built for the city's protection. I learnt how soldiers lived and fought, how they spent their lives in the fort. The difference between the general and the commons, and the luxuries offered to all the officials. It was interesting to learn all the intricate details, right from the bakery to the kitchen itself. With an animated guide and lots of laughs and serious discussions, we walked out of there feeling smarter than when we had come in.
The evening was spent learning about Barcelona and their dragon festivals, followed by a nice walk around the marche de noel. A new city, new energy and new shopping markets !
Tired but happy, we got back home, only to start rushing and preparing for a dinner at home. In came some friends at the stroke of eight, some armed with meat and some armed with cake ! We bought some chicken, we had some vegetables, and there was a spread ready to dig in. With laughs and stories and reliving memories, we had a nice evening spent with other assistants. Dinner followed by a muscat and some homemade delicious carrot cake, it was the perfect way to end the day. With singing christmas carols and laughing like mad, the other assistants did put up quite an entertainment ! Overall a memorable day spent having fun, i was really glad i had decided to come !
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Two friends, Indian food and lots of gossip
After a week of feeling down in the dumps, i finally decided to come to Perpignan and wash away the glum. With excitement building and an emotional high, i booked my tickets and was ready to fly. Fly, well not literally, but take the long train ride. I sat impatiently looking at the clock, waiting for my train to come and stop. Finally it arrived, i hopped right in and there was a begining to my great weekend !
I reached Toulouse half sleepy, but excited and happy only to be greeted by none other than my two lovely friends. They came hopping and skipping just to meet me, a warm hug they each had in store for me. We spent the next hour sipping hot chocolate, eating fries and gossiping about life... ooh how i missed this all this while ! At the announcement of the next train, i said goodbye, hugged them each and promised to see them soon...
I once again hopped onto the train for my last leg of journey, more tired but also more excited and happy ! I reached Perpignan finally after what seemed like an endless train ride, walked fast from the station to the meeting point. There half way, i finally met my friend. We hugged, we gossiped, we walked the rest of the way. We took the long way enjoying the christmas lights, we laughed and talked coz its been quite a while.
We reached home cold and tired but the gossip went on, as we cooked the food and had a ball. Dinner was a spread she had prepared of the most amazing kind, though it was just dal, rice and vegetable, with a dash of wine. I enjoyed it all, with its indian flavors and spice as it was something nice after a long long while. I ate with my fingers just like i am used to back home and i felt comfortable not worrying about my manners ! Through continued gossip, bitching and the sorts, we ended up relishing the dinner and all.
Now stuffed with food, happy and warm, im ready to dig into the dessert and call it a good start. A good start to the weekend that im sure will be a blast !
I reached Toulouse half sleepy, but excited and happy only to be greeted by none other than my two lovely friends. They came hopping and skipping just to meet me, a warm hug they each had in store for me. We spent the next hour sipping hot chocolate, eating fries and gossiping about life... ooh how i missed this all this while ! At the announcement of the next train, i said goodbye, hugged them each and promised to see them soon...
I once again hopped onto the train for my last leg of journey, more tired but also more excited and happy ! I reached Perpignan finally after what seemed like an endless train ride, walked fast from the station to the meeting point. There half way, i finally met my friend. We hugged, we gossiped, we walked the rest of the way. We took the long way enjoying the christmas lights, we laughed and talked coz its been quite a while.
We reached home cold and tired but the gossip went on, as we cooked the food and had a ball. Dinner was a spread she had prepared of the most amazing kind, though it was just dal, rice and vegetable, with a dash of wine. I enjoyed it all, with its indian flavors and spice as it was something nice after a long long while. I ate with my fingers just like i am used to back home and i felt comfortable not worrying about my manners ! Through continued gossip, bitching and the sorts, we ended up relishing the dinner and all.
Now stuffed with food, happy and warm, im ready to dig into the dessert and call it a good start. A good start to the weekend that im sure will be a blast !
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Leisure
When people give advice, why do i cringe? Why do i always take it in the negative sense? I get upset, i feel sad, i feel at once that i am a burden. The first thought that comes to my mind, is to run away and hide.
This is why mostly i prefer to live alone, to live my life and do what i want. I am not like other people i think, i prefer staying home to partying. I can talk to people and be all happy, but after a point i need my space. Is it wrong to be like this, no i think its not. I can take close ones and be with them, as long as they let me be myself. I like going out and seeing new things, but i cant spend everyday out in the streets.
Given a choice i prefer to stay indoors, watch movies or read a book. Or simply spend the day chatting with friends. This is what i never had time to enjoy back home, days spent with just my soul. Nowhere to rush to, no deadlines to meet, a life where earning money wasn't the only feat.
These months here i know are for me, a time to learn and increase my knowledge and skills. But i think of it and tell myself, no i want to just relax and take it as a vacation. I don't want to wake up in the morning with the thought of work, i don't want to sleep with a deadline on my mind. I don't want to spend my time feeling guilty, looking at the clock and telling myself, uma u don't have so much time to waste. I want to waste time, i want to sleep, i want to sit doing absolutely nothing. It's only 7 months that i have, before i go back to my routine. Before i go back to mad days and work work work, i want to soak in this feeling of leisure.
This is why mostly i prefer to live alone, to live my life and do what i want. I am not like other people i think, i prefer staying home to partying. I can talk to people and be all happy, but after a point i need my space. Is it wrong to be like this, no i think its not. I can take close ones and be with them, as long as they let me be myself. I like going out and seeing new things, but i cant spend everyday out in the streets.
Given a choice i prefer to stay indoors, watch movies or read a book. Or simply spend the day chatting with friends. This is what i never had time to enjoy back home, days spent with just my soul. Nowhere to rush to, no deadlines to meet, a life where earning money wasn't the only feat.
These months here i know are for me, a time to learn and increase my knowledge and skills. But i think of it and tell myself, no i want to just relax and take it as a vacation. I don't want to wake up in the morning with the thought of work, i don't want to sleep with a deadline on my mind. I don't want to spend my time feeling guilty, looking at the clock and telling myself, uma u don't have so much time to waste. I want to waste time, i want to sleep, i want to sit doing absolutely nothing. It's only 7 months that i have, before i go back to my routine. Before i go back to mad days and work work work, i want to soak in this feeling of leisure.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Running away, but to where?
Sometimes i just feel like running away, but where to i can never say. This weekend i know i want to go somewhere, but i don't feel close to anyone to pick up the phone and say, "hey this weekend can i be there?"
I thought of options and places to go, most were expensive or not at all close. Sitting here right now i feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks, as i miss familiarity and all that's me. What is this country i am in, where nothing is what iv been used to always? I feel guilty about sitting in my room, even if that is what i am most comfortable doing. I want to just shut out everything and pretend to sleep, so that the time passes quicker and its all over soon.
I know it was me who chose to be here, it was me who wanted to live this dream. But on days like today i question myself, was there anything i was lacking when back home, that i ventured out to explore this new world?
I cry almost every night when going to sleep, but there is never a real reason for my tears. I feel like i want to be invisible and not be seen, i want to disappear into blackness and dream. Dream of the flight taking off to home, the warmth and familiarity that is my own.
I thought of options and places to go, most were expensive or not at all close. Sitting here right now i feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks, as i miss familiarity and all that's me. What is this country i am in, where nothing is what iv been used to always? I feel guilty about sitting in my room, even if that is what i am most comfortable doing. I want to just shut out everything and pretend to sleep, so that the time passes quicker and its all over soon.
I know it was me who chose to be here, it was me who wanted to live this dream. But on days like today i question myself, was there anything i was lacking when back home, that i ventured out to explore this new world?
I cry almost every night when going to sleep, but there is never a real reason for my tears. I feel like i want to be invisible and not be seen, i want to disappear into blackness and dream. Dream of the flight taking off to home, the warmth and familiarity that is my own.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Mistakes
We all make mistakes, big ones and small, we all hurt others, knowingly or by fault. But forgiveness is something that we all need to learn, forgetting and moving on is the only key to hold. What i know is, we hurt people we love the most. We take them for granted and say what we feel, not thinking even once that they are not the reason for our tears.
We get only what we deserve, be it good or bad. We need to learn that it's never in other people's hands. We feel better when we blame someone and point fingers, coz then it is their fault and not our own actions. It is easy to dwell in self pity saying i don't have this or that, but its only when you are true to yourself, you realize you have more than some others have.
We think of "I", we think of "me" we only think of "myself", but the fact is that you wouldn't be you without the external influence. I have done my share of hurting my close family and friends. Said things i never meant to and blamed them for my unhappiness.
A friend once told me i could never be happy if i seek it from someone else, its only within me and in my heart that it exists and it is only there it will be found.
Happiness attracts happiness and pain only pain, so when i question why i am hurting, the answer should be plain. I wouldn't be hurting if i was happy, happy within myself. Why seek for external love without loving oneself? Why blame others for not giving you what you want, when you do the same to yourself?
When i think of things, i ask myself, have u given yourself all that you could give? Have you respected yourself the way you want to be respected? The answer comes so quick to me that i am blinded by its strength, no i have never given myself, the things i crave from friends.
So then i stop, think and say, i have made many mistakes. I have always held people responsible for the things that don't go my way.
Today i want to say sorry, hoping they all hear me. I want to say i am sorry for the person that was me.
We get only what we deserve, be it good or bad. We need to learn that it's never in other people's hands. We feel better when we blame someone and point fingers, coz then it is their fault and not our own actions. It is easy to dwell in self pity saying i don't have this or that, but its only when you are true to yourself, you realize you have more than some others have.
We think of "I", we think of "me" we only think of "myself", but the fact is that you wouldn't be you without the external influence. I have done my share of hurting my close family and friends. Said things i never meant to and blamed them for my unhappiness.
A friend once told me i could never be happy if i seek it from someone else, its only within me and in my heart that it exists and it is only there it will be found.
Happiness attracts happiness and pain only pain, so when i question why i am hurting, the answer should be plain. I wouldn't be hurting if i was happy, happy within myself. Why seek for external love without loving oneself? Why blame others for not giving you what you want, when you do the same to yourself?
When i think of things, i ask myself, have u given yourself all that you could give? Have you respected yourself the way you want to be respected? The answer comes so quick to me that i am blinded by its strength, no i have never given myself, the things i crave from friends.
So then i stop, think and say, i have made many mistakes. I have always held people responsible for the things that don't go my way.
Today i want to say sorry, hoping they all hear me. I want to say i am sorry for the person that was me.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Think twice
This has always been so true with me. I think faster than i can speak. When i was small, my parents say that there were times i would say something that they would never understand, and when i was taken to a doctor, they were told it was because i thought faster than i could speak !
Now as i have grown older, i think the capacity to think so fast has given rise to me thinking all unnecessary thoughts. People say you should not think so much, you must learn to just give up and not be lost in thought. But i think that is just a childhood sought, uma thinks more than she ought !
When i am excited or passionate about something, my brain acts like its on a spring. From one to the other to the next, my thoughts just try to win the race set. Its funny when even now, there are times when i say something, and then i go back and wonder what was the meaning? In my head it usually makes perfect sense, but when out in words its absolute nonsense !
So you know when i start to act mad, it is coz i am excited or happy or simply glad. Its got nothing to do with the way i act, coz its a childhood problem thats not in my hands. So the next time you are with me and i act mad, i say things fast and they make no sense, just blame it on my "thinking faster" problems !
Marché de noel
Today i visited the Christmas market and i was swooped away with the colors and the racket ! The number of people all happy and smiling, lively shopping. Everything looked so pretty, clean and new, i realized this is what they call the December view :)
I have never seen as many people out on the streets, carrying shopping bags, laughing and eating sweets. With the hot wine with spice and all the noise, for a few hours i forgot i was in France. Everyone happy and everyone joyful just made me happy and gleeful. Walking beside candy and talking about things, laughing and giggling we spent the evening. Everything looked so pretty that i wanted to buy all, ooh how i love the spirit of shopping !
In India we have bazaars for sure, but visiting a Christmas market in Europe is just another thing ! Its an experience to feel and be a part of, just to enjoy the holiday and festive feeling. Its fun to see this culture and experience it, as all that i had always read in books has turned real...
Every day a new dream unfolds, and i say ohh this is what i had always been told. Seeing the preparations and the buzz all around , yayy i am happy to be a part of this festive town !
I have never seen as many people out on the streets, carrying shopping bags, laughing and eating sweets. With the hot wine with spice and all the noise, for a few hours i forgot i was in France. Everyone happy and everyone joyful just made me happy and gleeful. Walking beside candy and talking about things, laughing and giggling we spent the evening. Everything looked so pretty that i wanted to buy all, ooh how i love the spirit of shopping !
In India we have bazaars for sure, but visiting a Christmas market in Europe is just another thing ! Its an experience to feel and be a part of, just to enjoy the holiday and festive feeling. Its fun to see this culture and experience it, as all that i had always read in books has turned real...
Every day a new dream unfolds, and i say ohh this is what i had always been told. Seeing the preparations and the buzz all around , yayy i am happy to be a part of this festive town !
Saturday, December 6, 2008
My new found dream !
Today i walked into a shop that sold things for making jewelry and it was like a whole new world opened up for me ! I was excited to see the lady explain to me, how i could use my creativity. She pulled out buttons and pretty little things, which all put together could make earrings ! I went crazy seeing colors and shapes and things, and big big dreams started to bubble within !
I saw myself making all the pretty stuff, from necklaces to earrings to bracelets and rings. She made it sound so easy that i was sure of myself, to such an extent that i walked out armed with my set of things, from beads to clips to glue to strings.
I am now also armed with a big big book, on how to create my own new look. I am sitting here grinning like a 5 year old, with my book and my beads, watching my new dream unfold. Oh what fun to create on your own, stuff that you thought could only be sold !
When i was little i had many dreams. Every time i entered a new shop, bang, it would give rise to a new wish. From becoming a fashion designer to a sweet shop owner, making jewelry also did pass in my list of things. Today when i walked into that store, i saw a flash of that long ago dream.
I thought to myself, everyone says we should live our dreams, so maybe this is a sign to go shop and sing. I realize now, that no matter how much i grow, shopping will be something i will always adore. For now i will gloat and dream of my shop, with all its glitter, beads and what not !
I saw myself making all the pretty stuff, from necklaces to earrings to bracelets and rings. She made it sound so easy that i was sure of myself, to such an extent that i walked out armed with my set of things, from beads to clips to glue to strings.
I am now also armed with a big big book, on how to create my own new look. I am sitting here grinning like a 5 year old, with my book and my beads, watching my new dream unfold. Oh what fun to create on your own, stuff that you thought could only be sold !
When i was little i had many dreams. Every time i entered a new shop, bang, it would give rise to a new wish. From becoming a fashion designer to a sweet shop owner, making jewelry also did pass in my list of things. Today when i walked into that store, i saw a flash of that long ago dream.
I thought to myself, everyone says we should live our dreams, so maybe this is a sign to go shop and sing. I realize now, that no matter how much i grow, shopping will be something i will always adore. For now i will gloat and dream of my shop, with all its glitter, beads and what not !
Friday, December 5, 2008
We all learn....
We all learn sooner or later that our parents are right, we all learn that there is never need for a fight. We all learn that veggies are good for us, and so they should be eaten without making a fuss. But this learning is a self one, and not to be forced, it comes when one is ready and only then one really learns the most !
Silly how i have started preaching all good things, am i really turning into one of those boring beings? Sigh, this is probably very true, but all i know is everyday i am meeting a part of me thats new. There were times id get angry in a flash, id say mean things and just be rude. But now i wait and hold back my words, i calm down first and then spill my woes. I never had patience with a lot of things, but now i see changes in the way i see beings. Close ones say they see a change in me, good or bad we will just wait and see !
There were little things first that would hurt me hard, but now i just flick them with a wave of a hand. I say ok, thats how its meant to be, rather than dig and try to see. I realize everyone is different and not like me, i give up trying to force people to see same things as me.
I realized letting people go is the only way to know, if they really mean a lot to you or is it only a show. I have started seeing things that i was scared to see, i have started having more confidence in the person that is me. I always thought in my heart that i was no good, and so anyone who was friends with me had to be worshiped. But some awakening in my thoughts finally made me see, im not really as bad as i believed to be.
Talking to people and accepting my faults, was probably the first step to let go my flaws. I am happy with the new me, even if she is boring for i like her new confidence that is ever growing...
Silly how i have started preaching all good things, am i really turning into one of those boring beings? Sigh, this is probably very true, but all i know is everyday i am meeting a part of me thats new. There were times id get angry in a flash, id say mean things and just be rude. But now i wait and hold back my words, i calm down first and then spill my woes. I never had patience with a lot of things, but now i see changes in the way i see beings. Close ones say they see a change in me, good or bad we will just wait and see !
There were little things first that would hurt me hard, but now i just flick them with a wave of a hand. I say ok, thats how its meant to be, rather than dig and try to see. I realize everyone is different and not like me, i give up trying to force people to see same things as me.
I realized letting people go is the only way to know, if they really mean a lot to you or is it only a show. I have started seeing things that i was scared to see, i have started having more confidence in the person that is me. I always thought in my heart that i was no good, and so anyone who was friends with me had to be worshiped. But some awakening in my thoughts finally made me see, im not really as bad as i believed to be.
Talking to people and accepting my faults, was probably the first step to let go my flaws. I am happy with the new me, even if she is boring for i like her new confidence that is ever growing...
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Homeward bound.... I wish i was
Today is one of those days when nothing has seemed to go my way. I had planned to do a lot of work, but it seemed like i was lost in some daze. Caught up in memories of the past and the present, somewhere in a wait. A wait for what, i really don't know, if it is to go home or something more?
I sat staring at the rain all day, knowing i should get up and get on my way. But something seemed to hold me down, was it the weight of some fear unwound?
I watched the phone, wishing it to ring, i stared at the chat and waited for a blink. But when my phone rang, i didn't pick it up, and when friends tried to chat i refused to reply back. I counted the days over and over, thinking that would make the count go lower. But nothing that i tried seemed to reduce this un-understandable need within, nor the pain i felt i was in.
Was it a cup of coffee with friends or was it a simple meal beside my parents? I couldn't figure out what it was, but all i knew was that i was lost.
As i write this down, my heart feels lighter, somewhere as if i have found all the answers. But i know the minute i turn my light out, all these questions will once more hunt me down. Trying to be positive i tell myself, i guess it is one of those days i should count, as something that made my thoughts profound...
I sat staring at the rain all day, knowing i should get up and get on my way. But something seemed to hold me down, was it the weight of some fear unwound?
I watched the phone, wishing it to ring, i stared at the chat and waited for a blink. But when my phone rang, i didn't pick it up, and when friends tried to chat i refused to reply back. I counted the days over and over, thinking that would make the count go lower. But nothing that i tried seemed to reduce this un-understandable need within, nor the pain i felt i was in.
Was it a cup of coffee with friends or was it a simple meal beside my parents? I couldn't figure out what it was, but all i knew was that i was lost.
As i write this down, my heart feels lighter, somewhere as if i have found all the answers. But i know the minute i turn my light out, all these questions will once more hunt me down. Trying to be positive i tell myself, i guess it is one of those days i should count, as something that made my thoughts profound...
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Connections....
I often find myself thinking, is there a higher self ? Is there something beyond my sight? What is it that connects hearts or people or just thoughts? And then i think of a book i read, where he claims that we are all connected from past lives only playing different roles in this.
Why do i get along well with some people in the first go, and with some, it may take a million meetings, and still i will say, i don't know? Then i turn back saying, maybe this is true, we are all connected from past lives not new...
I have been living in Bombay all my life, what made me choose Pune then ? Of all the friends i made those two years, why is it only 3 that i have always connected to well. No matter where i am, they all take time to know and be there, to share in happiness or despair...
Then what made me go to Bangalore at that point of time, when nothing really was on my mind? Why did i find the dream job there? How did i make my friends for life? How did these things all fall in place?
Now i am in France, living with a family that i had never met before. They had planned to take me in for only a few days, but we just connected with amaze. I feel like i have known them forever and past days, but no, the fact is that i met them only now. I share common things like interests and likes, which i sometimes don't even do with my own family or friends lives.
Then i think of friends who are here with me, all coming from other cities. I connected quickly with some, but with others, i cannot no matter what chants i hum. But this is what i guess it all comes to, past lives and strings we are here to renew...
Why do i get along well with some people in the first go, and with some, it may take a million meetings, and still i will say, i don't know? Then i turn back saying, maybe this is true, we are all connected from past lives not new...
I have been living in Bombay all my life, what made me choose Pune then ? Of all the friends i made those two years, why is it only 3 that i have always connected to well. No matter where i am, they all take time to know and be there, to share in happiness or despair...
Then what made me go to Bangalore at that point of time, when nothing really was on my mind? Why did i find the dream job there? How did i make my friends for life? How did these things all fall in place?
Now i am in France, living with a family that i had never met before. They had planned to take me in for only a few days, but we just connected with amaze. I feel like i have known them forever and past days, but no, the fact is that i met them only now. I share common things like interests and likes, which i sometimes don't even do with my own family or friends lives.
Then i think of friends who are here with me, all coming from other cities. I connected quickly with some, but with others, i cannot no matter what chants i hum. But this is what i guess it all comes to, past lives and strings we are here to renew...
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Castles in the air....
When i was a little girl, i read fairytales on Sleeping Beauty locked up in a castle or Rapunzel letting down her hair and i always had a picture that stayed in my head. A few weeks back, i visited a real castle, but it was nothing like what it had looked in my head. It was there standing tall, like nothing i had ever seen before. My first impression on seeing its magnitude was "No this can't be real !" but hell, it was ! Lots of childhood memories rushed back. I joked with my friends about letting down my hair or waiting in the top room for my knight in shining armor to come and rescue me there...
It was a pretty sight to picture... a dream, a story, a decade, a little me. I walked through the castle, amazed by every rock as i thought of the stories that it must have stocked. It is amazing to see that such a place really exists. It should be felt and not just seen. What is with these stone walls i ask, that make me feel cold and in the past ? Does it have a history, does it have a tale? Was there once a princess with her long lovely mane?
I spent the day there, lost somewhere between reality and a dream. I closed my eyes and pictured me there, right back in the years of the kings and their heirs. Was i once a princess too? Yes id like to believe i was.... Prettily clad and walking on flowers...
It was a beautiful day spent in the land of far, shared with a me that i had thought was lost... Beautiful memories come by our way, we never really know when to expect them there. They don't knock, they don't warn, they just slide in... and its upto us to forget them or etch them within...
Monday, December 1, 2008
Make - up my "attitude"
Every day since forever, i wake up in the morning in a daze, a frown... start rushing to dress up and get my things around...
The first thing i think of is, what should i wear, i stand in front of my cupboard and think and stare. I ask myself, will this look good? What will people say ? It has become a part of me, this morning ritual. I dress up well, i choose matching shoes, i dab on some make-up and im off to school. My day passes by worrying how i look, if my hair is in place and my shoes look good. I look at others around me and think to myself, is this really as important as i make it look?
And then i remember something my parents always say, its not your looks or your hair, but its only the attitude that you wear. How tough is it to take 10 seconds off in the morning and stop a bit, smile and say, my attitude today is a big hit !
Smiling in the morning is what i have learnt, makes the day pass quicker and without groans. All seems so beautiful, even the grey sky, the bus isn't missed and the classes dont just go by. I have tried the experiment and thats how i know, its only your attitude that you need to show. Be happy, and always smile through all, and see how everything around you reflects you tall !
The first thing i think of is, what should i wear, i stand in front of my cupboard and think and stare. I ask myself, will this look good? What will people say ? It has become a part of me, this morning ritual. I dress up well, i choose matching shoes, i dab on some make-up and im off to school. My day passes by worrying how i look, if my hair is in place and my shoes look good. I look at others around me and think to myself, is this really as important as i make it look?
And then i remember something my parents always say, its not your looks or your hair, but its only the attitude that you wear. How tough is it to take 10 seconds off in the morning and stop a bit, smile and say, my attitude today is a big hit !
Smiling in the morning is what i have learnt, makes the day pass quicker and without groans. All seems so beautiful, even the grey sky, the bus isn't missed and the classes dont just go by. I have tried the experiment and thats how i know, its only your attitude that you need to show. Be happy, and always smile through all, and see how everything around you reflects you tall !
Of coffee mugs and billy bug hugs . . . .
When i sit staring out the window and watch the rain, i go back to the evenings spent in my favorite cafe sipping on filter coffee and talking to friends about nothing and everything and life thats a maze. With its adjacent book shop and its friendly staff, that place will always be my best pit stop !
Friends make up a major part of your life, to shape you, make you and teach you a lot. Like everyone goes through, i have had my share of bad friends and good, but what i know is, each one taught me something and in their own way, helped me become who i am today. When we bump into a bad patch, we cry our hearts out and think thats the end of the world, but looking back later we realize it was a phase that helped us learn.
I have friends i lost touch with over the years, but somewhere when i needed them, they popped up and came into my world. It is funny how people i never talked much to in school, seem so much like me now. I realise something that we all do, we judge people and what a terrible mistake that is. I have lost some good friends, just because i judged them too soon. Her nails are not clean, or her uniform is creased....She didn't score as much in exams as me and so she cant be fit to be seen with me ! You may wonder what makes me say this now after so many years, well its a funny incident that happened recently that i cannot get myself to forget. My parents met a classmate of mine, after many a years and she walked up to them and asked if they were my parents. She said she still remembers me and asked what i was doing in life. She was surprised i hadnt become a doctor or an engineer as that is what all the pseudo-cool girls in school were expected to become. She asked about my friends and gave updates about hers, and it turned out they were all doing brilliantly in their careers. My mother told me about this and i felt ashamed of how my group of cool friends didnt ever bother to look at these girls. She cared enough about me, to greet my parents after so many years.
It was an incident i passed off with a flick, not admitting to myself that it had affected me so much. But i have often thought of it after that and realised how wrong i was, to judge people on superficial flaws.
This has taught me a lesson i know, and i really hope to not judge anyone in the first go. Everyone is bright and everyone is special, and this one girl after many a years, in her own way taught me to be a better person .
Friends make up a major part of your life, to shape you, make you and teach you a lot. Like everyone goes through, i have had my share of bad friends and good, but what i know is, each one taught me something and in their own way, helped me become who i am today. When we bump into a bad patch, we cry our hearts out and think thats the end of the world, but looking back later we realize it was a phase that helped us learn.
I have friends i lost touch with over the years, but somewhere when i needed them, they popped up and came into my world. It is funny how people i never talked much to in school, seem so much like me now. I realise something that we all do, we judge people and what a terrible mistake that is. I have lost some good friends, just because i judged them too soon. Her nails are not clean, or her uniform is creased....She didn't score as much in exams as me and so she cant be fit to be seen with me ! You may wonder what makes me say this now after so many years, well its a funny incident that happened recently that i cannot get myself to forget. My parents met a classmate of mine, after many a years and she walked up to them and asked if they were my parents. She said she still remembers me and asked what i was doing in life. She was surprised i hadnt become a doctor or an engineer as that is what all the pseudo-cool girls in school were expected to become. She asked about my friends and gave updates about hers, and it turned out they were all doing brilliantly in their careers. My mother told me about this and i felt ashamed of how my group of cool friends didnt ever bother to look at these girls. She cared enough about me, to greet my parents after so many years.
It was an incident i passed off with a flick, not admitting to myself that it had affected me so much. But i have often thought of it after that and realised how wrong i was, to judge people on superficial flaws.
This has taught me a lesson i know, and i really hope to not judge anyone in the first go. Everyone is bright and everyone is special, and this one girl after many a years, in her own way taught me to be a better person .
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Is the grass on the other side really greener ??
When i was growing up, id hear about people who were leaving to America or Australia or Timbukto for studies or work or whatever it was they were going there to do and id wonder, when would i sit on that jet plane and go see new lands too....
Airports made me excited and i would come back home everytime spinning new tales. Of how id react to my family when i would finally leave and say bye, or how i would live and enjoy and eat as many chocolates as i wanted ( since those growing up days, anyone who came from abroad got chocolates and thus, for me that was the ultimate aim, to go abroad and eat chocolates !)
Growing up years made bigger dreams appear and i will always remember my first trip out of india! My first reaction on seeing a visa stamped on my passport was a grin of pride... yes u all... im going abroad too ! The preparations, the shopping and the long wait... finally out there, flying over seas, i landed into one of the cities of my dreams !
I promised to be back again some day, but this time it would be for a much longer stay.
Then came more dreams, this time with a clearer picture of how this new world looked. I read up on universities and things i could do and really the ultimate aim was to be one of those cool people who finally left for abroad !
But here i am sitting today. In a new country, a new land and a new daze. I realise the grass is not really greener on the other side and the life isnt really so cool. It might be easier to some extent, but the rice isnt my rice and nor is the spice. The food is too bland and the people too cold. But yet its the dream that i had spun from when i was a child.., The chocolates are plenty, but they cannot be compared to dear old cadbury and i suddenly realize i never really enjoyed the foreign chocolates before !
I see pretty places here, empty and clean roads too, but all i think of is the crowd and colours back home. No im not complaining about being here, coz im learning a lot and more than anything i am living a dream that was a part of me since i was little. But i do realise, no matter what we think, the grass is not really greener on the other side of the brink !
Airports made me excited and i would come back home everytime spinning new tales. Of how id react to my family when i would finally leave and say bye, or how i would live and enjoy and eat as many chocolates as i wanted ( since those growing up days, anyone who came from abroad got chocolates and thus, for me that was the ultimate aim, to go abroad and eat chocolates !)
Growing up years made bigger dreams appear and i will always remember my first trip out of india! My first reaction on seeing a visa stamped on my passport was a grin of pride... yes u all... im going abroad too ! The preparations, the shopping and the long wait... finally out there, flying over seas, i landed into one of the cities of my dreams !
I promised to be back again some day, but this time it would be for a much longer stay.
Then came more dreams, this time with a clearer picture of how this new world looked. I read up on universities and things i could do and really the ultimate aim was to be one of those cool people who finally left for abroad !
But here i am sitting today. In a new country, a new land and a new daze. I realise the grass is not really greener on the other side and the life isnt really so cool. It might be easier to some extent, but the rice isnt my rice and nor is the spice. The food is too bland and the people too cold. But yet its the dream that i had spun from when i was a child.., The chocolates are plenty, but they cannot be compared to dear old cadbury and i suddenly realize i never really enjoyed the foreign chocolates before !
I see pretty places here, empty and clean roads too, but all i think of is the crowd and colours back home. No im not complaining about being here, coz im learning a lot and more than anything i am living a dream that was a part of me since i was little. But i do realise, no matter what we think, the grass is not really greener on the other side of the brink !
Saturday, November 29, 2008
My first steps out of home...
My journey began when i was 21 yrs old, when i wanted to see a new life, a new world..where i wanted to taste freedom and be on my own.....
I moved out of home, into a hostel in Pune.... tasted freedom for the first time and no parental control.. At first life was different, new and bold... but then came the questions and the worries of the world... from managing with food from a dabba, to silly fights with girls ... i think i learnt a lot and became a big girl......
Its funny when we are all safe and protected, we want to be alone and do our own thing... but as one matures and experiences the different things in life, we realize there is no place like home.. Looking back at those days, i remember how i used to wait for the phone to ring and hope that it was my family this time.... rushing to pick it up and tell them about my day... what i did, where i went, what happened etc.... Those years living alone got me closer to my family and made me realize their importance in my life... there were questions that were asked to me when i was living home which irritated me to the core, but once i moved out... they were the ones that i would ask galore....
I think everyone should venture out of home and be on their own at least once in their growing years as it is these years and memories that shape u and help you become the person you want yourself to be. Living alone makes you ask questions to yourself, makes you see right and wrong and know the difference between the two... Friends made in this transition are friends for life, crazy memories etched at this time become ones to run to in times of fright....
I moved out of home, into a hostel in Pune.... tasted freedom for the first time and no parental control.. At first life was different, new and bold... but then came the questions and the worries of the world... from managing with food from a dabba, to silly fights with girls ... i think i learnt a lot and became a big girl......
Its funny when we are all safe and protected, we want to be alone and do our own thing... but as one matures and experiences the different things in life, we realize there is no place like home.. Looking back at those days, i remember how i used to wait for the phone to ring and hope that it was my family this time.... rushing to pick it up and tell them about my day... what i did, where i went, what happened etc.... Those years living alone got me closer to my family and made me realize their importance in my life... there were questions that were asked to me when i was living home which irritated me to the core, but once i moved out... they were the ones that i would ask galore....
I think everyone should venture out of home and be on their own at least once in their growing years as it is these years and memories that shape u and help you become the person you want yourself to be. Living alone makes you ask questions to yourself, makes you see right and wrong and know the difference between the two... Friends made in this transition are friends for life, crazy memories etched at this time become ones to run to in times of fright....
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