Pondi is where i want to be !

My long awaited holiday finally arrived, with a lot of excitement, 8 of us climbed into 2 cars and were off on our long drive. Destination : Pondicherry ! I had heard a lot about this city and even visited it as a kid, but what i saw when i got there was something completely unexpected and different. The city had a quaint French charm to it. The minute we drove into the city, i knew this was going to be a great weekend. The smell of the salt water, the humid air, the work free weekend and my best friends all there !
The walk around the city, through the sleepy old roads, cycle rickshaws, people on bicycles and the laid back attitudes. The roads with their names in French gave me a thrill and sent me back to my days in France and the sites there-in.
The first walk on the beach, the sand beneath my feet, the feel of the water as the waves came rushing in. The long chats with friends, the discussions on life and ambitions and dreams and topics that wouldn't end. The beautiful full moon, the breezy nights, the songs sung in the bright moonlight. The long morning walks, the smiles on everyone's face, after a long time, to see people in a daze.
The city is such, the dreamlike feeling, i sure want to be back for another long lazy weekend !

Meeting old friends

Meeting old friends is always fun, opening the bag of old memories and laughing at the mad things we have done. Discussing things that at one point seemed so important and looking back and thinking how crazy we were. Some friendships don't ever end, they just grow stronger with life's each bend.
A few such friends i have collected along the way, to add to my bag of lovely days. The roommates who have sat through teary occasions, laughing mad moments. Who have supported my wildest ideas and given me courage to pursue them, and at the same time wiped away my tears when i fell and was heart broken at the end of them. Friends like those are rare to find, and even rarer to keep safe though the passing of time.
This weekend i had a reunion with 2 friends who have been a part of my life since what seems forever. We dug out old memories, were mad for a while. We sang horrid songs in the worst voices ever, and laughed at each others dumb jokes, like they were the funniest ever. I went back to 5 years ago when life was so simple. When money came from home and life was full of little pleasures. The bickering over small things, the laughs over the famous sentences said by one of us, the memories of breaking rules and doing all crazy stuff. I no longer am so mad i realize. I put forth a very different self to the world all around. But with these close friends it was nice to be myself, the simple girl from 5 years ago.
The last 4 days have rejuvenated me thoroughly. I feel tired but happy and silly. I miss these friends and the times we used to have, and i realize we have all moved on in life and wont ever have that back. Yet weekends like these make me believe that we can still go back in time once in a while and be our childlike selves and enjoy those special moments with these friends who are beside us for life.

The things one learns

I have always wondered why i give so much importance to what other people think of me and what i do. I keep thinking i have moved onto a higher level of self confidence, but then the next time someone says something negative to me, or finds a fault in me, i go back into my shell, into utter self doubt and a feeling of rejection. There have been times when simply to get an approval from others, i have done things i hate to do, overworked myself and at times even pushed myself to collapsing point, just to have people pat on my back and say, oh you are so nice.
Like a fool, i always believed, when people said nice things to me for all i did for them, they were genuine, but slowly i realize, they are only laughing behind my back saying, oh, she is such an idiot. All we need to do is say a few nice things to her, and there, she will be willing to do anything for us. Slowly, steadily i started realizing, all the rotten work would invariably come to me, all the things that others rejected were dumped onto me, and on top of it, i was made to feel, it was a big favor they were doing, to give me all that they did. I never got the true respect i felt i deserved and they would always pull me down and make me feel like the world is such a rotten place to be in. My attitude for a long time has been extremely negative. Everything and everyone was looked upon with a shadow of doubt. I stopped trusting people and stopped being the cheery self i would like to be. I started feeling like no one really wanted to hang around with me, because all i did was crib and complain about things that were going wrong with me.
But as time passes by, i realize, its not me. I don't have to please others or do things for them. If they like me, it should be for who i am and what i stand up to be. I am slowly realizing that it is ok to say no to people. They will respect me more if i am honest with them, rather than say things just to be liked by them. I realize, people are smarter than i think they are, and they can see through everything others say and do.
The last 2 months have seen a major change in me. I am finally doing a job i love. It keeps me energized, positive and happy in life. In turn i have realized, i give off positive energy and hence have more friends all around. I am trying not to be my cribby self, but someone who can be positive, laughing and pleasant to have around. I realize how much of a difference self confidence can do to a person. In professional and personal life. I no longer count the days that go by, but simply stand back at the end of the week and say, wow that was a quick week that passed by. I also realize, how important it is to do a job that one truly enjoys. It shapes up the person who you are and makes you give in the best you can.
I realize i am no longer dependent on anyone. I realize i don't need anyone to make me happy. Happiness is something that i create for myself. This new confidence has helped me realize a lot of things, and if people really love me, they will realize it too and change themselves to be with me.

My new house finally turns into a home

For the first time since i moved out of home i decided to rent a house without even seeing it. I knew it was similar to my previous one and so just paid up the money and decided to move in. Moving day arrived, i packed my bags and moved. My first impression on walking into the house was, cold feet, crinkly nose and sheer fright on finding it similar to my old place in just the size. Apart from that, the walls were cold, the floor was dirty, no bed in the house, a weird smell all around. I wanted to throw my bags down and weep. But i took a deep breath in, thought i would sleep over it and all would be ok in the morning. But the depressing feeling continued for a while, till i finally decided to get up and make an effort to turn my house into a home.
I started with simply arranging all my stuff, putting bags away and the things in their proper place. Bought a small carpet and added little touches around the house. Started lighting candles in the evening to throw away the cold and bring in warmth. Set up my little kitchen and put pictures on my walls. Now all i need is a small pet, the little fish in its bowl to make my house into a home with another living thing around !

What can one do?

I seem to be discussing this point a lot these days, the need for being assertive and not letting people walk all over us. Why is it that some people are always bending, adjusting and trying to change their life to make the life of others easier, while those others enjoy everything, use others shoulders to climb up and then just kick the people below and move on gloating and taking credit for everything?

It is not fair, life is not fair, but then we have to live it, don't we? So what can someone do to fight this evil world? I know i can't change myself, as it will be going against my principals, all that was taught to me as a child, and yet, i know, if i don't change, i will fall so hard and hurt myself so bad, that i will anyway be hurt. Then what does one do? Throw away the lessons taught by parents, stand up to the world, spit and say, look here, i know u using me and im not going to let you do so any more?

I want a cycle. I do, i do !

I have been wanting to get down to exercising, doing something other than being sprawled in bed and wasting away my time. I thought of joining a gym, but then thought nah, no fun. Walking is a good option, but then the parks are crowded and the roads are polluted.
Finally i have come to a choice between cycling and skating. Then again i shortlisted and realized, cycling is a better form of exercise than skating. So here i am, wanting a cycle. I think its a good idea, i do, i do ! Good exercise, burning of calories, and the best way to go short distances !
So here i am, looking to buy cycles, but they are so so expensive that i am forced to give up the thought :(
Life is unfair, money is always a problem, but i still want to have a cycle, i do, i do and i will get it someday, i just need to wait and brood !

Of moving, house hunting, settling down and much more

So i am back in India. Its now almost 2 months. Really??? Doesn't seem like it. Time has flown, so much has happened. Changes good and bad, emotional highs and lows, worry about what i am doing in life, about what i plan to do in life etc etc. Basically, just the normal problems of coming back to reality.
The last one month seems to have been a whirlwind. I went back to Bangalore, the house hunting began. NOTHING i saw came close to the house i lived in before i left the city a year back. I kept comparing and coming home disappointed and unhappy. Every morning brought in new hope and every evening brought in further depression. I drove my friends up the wall with my constant cribbing of not finding a good enough place. The depressing hostel room i was living in was no help at all. I went through highs and lows, of fears and more. I would call my family one morning and say i want to move back and then just a few hours later i would call and say, nope, i changed my mind, i want to look for a permanent job here ! Looking back i feel, what was all that for?? Was i seriously losing my mind or what was it, i don't know !
Anyways, coming to the brighter side of things, i finally found a studio just like the old one. OK, not as nice, but the closest i can come to the old one. I have moved in there and am slowly trying to set it up. Right now, the curtains are the only things that bring in colour, but i am sure, slowly steadily, even that will turn into home.
I am slowly settling down on the job front too and its nice to be around friends once again. I have decided to meet a lot more people, to finally come out of my protected bubble. More things on the card are to take up driving lessons and start being more independent ! And of course, most important, get back to writing in blog posts more frequently. Not for anyone, but just to pour out my thoughts and complaints ! Who can get bugged with my cribbing, if i am cribbing to myself right !
So here is cheers to a new phase in my life ! Hope all remains as positive as i am right now :)