What can one do?

I seem to be discussing this point a lot these days, the need for being assertive and not letting people walk all over us. Why is it that some people are always bending, adjusting and trying to change their life to make the life of others easier, while those others enjoy everything, use others shoulders to climb up and then just kick the people below and move on gloating and taking credit for everything?

It is not fair, life is not fair, but then we have to live it, don't we? So what can someone do to fight this evil world? I know i can't change myself, as it will be going against my principals, all that was taught to me as a child, and yet, i know, if i don't change, i will fall so hard and hurt myself so bad, that i will anyway be hurt. Then what does one do? Throw away the lessons taught by parents, stand up to the world, spit and say, look here, i know u using me and im not going to let you do so any more?

I want a cycle. I do, i do !

I have been wanting to get down to exercising, doing something other than being sprawled in bed and wasting away my time. I thought of joining a gym, but then thought nah, no fun. Walking is a good option, but then the parks are crowded and the roads are polluted.
Finally i have come to a choice between cycling and skating. Then again i shortlisted and realized, cycling is a better form of exercise than skating. So here i am, wanting a cycle. I think its a good idea, i do, i do ! Good exercise, burning of calories, and the best way to go short distances !
So here i am, looking to buy cycles, but they are so so expensive that i am forced to give up the thought :(
Life is unfair, money is always a problem, but i still want to have a cycle, i do, i do and i will get it someday, i just need to wait and brood !

Of moving, house hunting, settling down and much more

So i am back in India. Its now almost 2 months. Really??? Doesn't seem like it. Time has flown, so much has happened. Changes good and bad, emotional highs and lows, worry about what i am doing in life, about what i plan to do in life etc etc. Basically, just the normal problems of coming back to reality.
The last one month seems to have been a whirlwind. I went back to Bangalore, the house hunting began. NOTHING i saw came close to the house i lived in before i left the city a year back. I kept comparing and coming home disappointed and unhappy. Every morning brought in new hope and every evening brought in further depression. I drove my friends up the wall with my constant cribbing of not finding a good enough place. The depressing hostel room i was living in was no help at all. I went through highs and lows, of fears and more. I would call my family one morning and say i want to move back and then just a few hours later i would call and say, nope, i changed my mind, i want to look for a permanent job here ! Looking back i feel, what was all that for?? Was i seriously losing my mind or what was it, i don't know !
Anyways, coming to the brighter side of things, i finally found a studio just like the old one. OK, not as nice, but the closest i can come to the old one. I have moved in there and am slowly trying to set it up. Right now, the curtains are the only things that bring in colour, but i am sure, slowly steadily, even that will turn into home.
I am slowly settling down on the job front too and its nice to be around friends once again. I have decided to meet a lot more people, to finally come out of my protected bubble. More things on the card are to take up driving lessons and start being more independent ! And of course, most important, get back to writing in blog posts more frequently. Not for anyone, but just to pour out my thoughts and complaints ! Who can get bugged with my cribbing, if i am cribbing to myself right !
So here is cheers to a new phase in my life ! Hope all remains as positive as i am right now :)

And it is time

These last endless months, all i wanted was to go back to Bangalore and get back to the life i was used to there. But today, with my tickets in hand and my flight just a few hours away, i have only apprehension in my heart and mind. I don't want to go. I want to stay back in the safety of home. I know nothing will be the same, simply because i have changed. I have been away for a year and i suddenly feel, i don't even know the place. I am unsure about my friends, my life, my work and every possible thing.
Then why was i so adamant, why did i fight with my parents saying i had to go back to Bangalore and now why don't i have the courage to simply say, ok, i wont go back, i will give my own city a try. What has changed? I wish i knew. The only thing i know is, i am feeling blue. I hate change, i always did, but life has given me nothing but unstable standing stages. Every few years i am forced to move, sometimes back to familiar places and sometimes to new. It doesn't excite me, it never did, i just want to settle down for a bit.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Here it is finally, the reality of going back. The countdown has begun and the days are rushing by fast. 4 days and i will be on the plane taking me back home, with my bags packed, goodbyes said and a part of me left behind. I suddenly don't want to go back. I don't want this phase to end. I have finally started loving everything and feeling one with this place.
But then at the same time, i want to go back home. Most of all, i want to eat with my fingers and not worry about table manners. I want to speak without thinking if its correct grammar or not, i want to feel free to be what i want, in my own land.
So yes, on the whole, i am excited to be leaving soon. Touching base, meeting my family and my friends. Over this holiday, these 7 months and its adventures. But i promise i will be back to say hello to each one who have meant the world to me here.

The woes of packing

I love traveling, but i hate packing ! It gives me nightmares, jitters and everything that is not a happy feeling. Small trips or long ones, i always end up packing or carrying more things than i actually need. They i huff and puff with my luggage, crib and curse and promise myself that when i travel next, i will be more sensible. But as usual, the promise will soon be forgotten, and then the next time i travel, the same story will be repeated.
7 months back, as i was packing to come to France, i was very sensible and only put in stuff that i would absolutely need here. I thought i had done such a great job at sorting and packing ( thanks to my parents pulling out 3/4th of the stuff i wanted to put in ), but then when the time came to manage my bags, of course it was a disaster. My bags put together weighed more than me, and dragging them across airports, bus shuttles and railway stations was a tough job and pain. I broke a nail, stubbed my toe, almost missed my train in the process of hauling all my luggage all along the train. I reached my destination and told myself, that is it, on the return, i am traveling lighter than this ! But as expected, my shopping continued. There were so many things i saw, that i will never get in India, and it was so absolutely necessary to buy everything. I kept telling myself, nah, i am still within weight limits. I have nothing to worry. Then i told myself, ok, i will leave behind all the stuff that i bought in India and have used regularly in the time i have been here. Having decided that, i entered my favorite stores and shopped some more.
Finally today, i decided i cannot push it anymore. I must get down to packing and getting ready to go. So i started stuffing things into the suitcase, one by one, and still there were huge piles lying all around. I am finally done with stuffing my bags and i fear its worse than when i came in, so god help me in trying to transport everything. Once again i will be alone, at railway stations, airports and all the way till i get home. Struggling, juggling and continuing to curse my shopping !

Relations

I have been living with a French family for the last 7 months. I eat with them, i help out with house work, i argue at times and i can even say whats on my mind. They treat me just like one of their kids. I am pampered and scolded, i am praised when i deserve and taught what is right and wrong when the time calls for it. I feel as much a part of this family, as i feel back home with mine. But in reality, i have no blood relation with any of the family members, and i am just someone who needed a place to stay and they let me stay with them all this while.
I never address them by name, i don't call them papa or maman, as their kids call them. I never call them by their names simply because they are more than double my age and the idea of adressing them by their names is just very strange. When i refer to them while talking to friends, i say my host parents. I sometimes call them my French maman or French dad too, but that seems very strange as well. It is true, my host mom has been like a mom to me. In the last 7 months, she has treated me just like her own family. I go to her when i have some problem, i talk to her if im feeling low. If i need some help, i turn to her, when i have questions its always her. She protects me and pampers me, she takes so much care of me. She will remember small things about my food habits, things i like to eat, and like any mother will make sure i have surprises and things i like always stocked up in the fridge or in my room. We might share a mother - daughter relationship, but i never call her mom, because in reality she is not my mom. It is weird, i have always started my sentence when i talk to her with "tu". It has always been, "tu veux un cafe ou un the ?" or " tu fais quoi ?". Never have i refered to her by name.
Today she was signing on some books she gifted me, and that is when we realized, i never call her by any name which she can sign by. It is strange, these relations that we make along the way of our life, which have no links, no basis, no history behind. They are just ties we make along the way which cannot really be given any names.